Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||July 17th, 2008|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr. in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:
MEN tal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
AND When we have REAL trouble, it's a
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word. Some are terrifically innovative:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone(n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Cashtration(n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.
11. Decafalon(n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
12. Glibido: All talk and no action.
13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
14. Arachnoleptic fit(n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
15. Beelzebug(n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
16. Caterpallor(n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!
You Know You’re in a Red Neck Church If . . .
1. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
2. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
4. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4 wheel-drive truck because, "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
6. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
9. The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.
10. The choir robes were donated by and embroidered with the logo from Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11.The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
12. Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
13. The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
14. The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
15. "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs too.
16. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".
God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers!
A Papal Journey
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat, and a 'To @%&$% with Bush' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp; then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck, while the third tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental Activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, 'Who was that guy?'
'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom.'
'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom but he sure don't know nothin' about bear huntin'! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?'
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, 'I couldn't help but notice' he said, 'that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?'
'I am sorry if I disturbed you,' she replied. 'I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was very curious, 'I happen to be a doctor and I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'
The woman nodded, 'Black Pepper.'
Interesting Human Body Facts
The largest cell in the human body? the female egg --and the smallest? the male sperm.
A full bladder is roughly the size of a softball.
It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
When you are looking at someone you love your pupils dilate. .. . .they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
Your ears secrete more earwax when you're afraid than when you aren't.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
The average woman is five inches shorter than the average man.
And at the end . . still looking at your thumb, aren't you?
A Short Story
Once upon a time, one day long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch...
But this was a long time ago and it was just one day.