Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||June 19th, 2008|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
The following is from a lady in Oregon. It is priceless!
The Bible explained by kids - truth has been redefined!
One of our favorite jobs has been leading junior church. We try to do more than baby-sit our church's beloved little ankle-biters during their time in our special junior church facility. We aim to give them a solid background in Biblical history. At the end of each year, we give them pencils and paper and ask them to chronicle what they have learned. This assignment never fails to elicit some intriguing responses. In case you're a little foggy on your biblical history, let our junior church students help you with his complete overview of the Bible, compiled from their essays:
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, Darkness, and some gas.
The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I Think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a Light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve.
Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good
guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 Porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, “Close the door! Were you born in a barn?” It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyway's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back To life again. He went up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
There! Now you understand it.
158 Years Ago in California
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago?
1. California became a state.
2. The state had no electricity.
3. The state had no money.
4. Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
5. There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California is today, except the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.
THE DAY IT ALL
It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of this fort.
William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"
There once was a guy named Arthur Twiddle. He was your ordinary, homeless street bum. He found a cozy area to live next to this huge mansion. Although he lived in a cardboard box, he would gather the crumbs from the owner of the mansion for food. The owner’s name was Mrs. Albertson.
Everything was fine up until Mrs. Albertson decided to get a pet cat. Instead of throwing away food, she would feed it to her cat. Artie got real frustrated at this move, so he decided to rob her of all her money. One night, he snuck into her mansion, and found a huge safe hidden behind a plant. He noticed that it had been recently opened, and not completely shut. With anticipation, he forced open the safe, and to his surprise, and disappointment, there was only one dollar. He screamed out with rage, "ONE STINKING DOLLAA!, HOW CHEAP!"
The butler came in, and threatened to call the police. Artie, being afraid, instinctively strangles the butler to death. Then the maid came in, and screamed at the sight of the dead body. Artie then impulsively strangled her to death, too. Finally, Mrs. Albertson entered the room and announced that she had called the police. The sounds of the police sirens were getting closer. Artie, realizing that he couldn’t escape, choked Mrs. Albertson to death too.
The police busted in and arrested Artie. Many reporters were there and he made the front headlines of USA Today which read:
"Artie chokes three for one dollar at Albertson's"
Another example of what a little bit of authority will do for
A Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.' The old rancher said, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.' The water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of Federal Government with me. See this badge? It means
I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. 'Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores. Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the water rep running for the fence and close behind was the rancher's big bull. The bull was gaining on the water rep with every step. The rep was clearly terrified; so the old man immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence, shouting out.....'Your badge! Your badge! Show him your badge!'
For those of you contemplating retirement, I would like to share my retirement experiences with you, which I hope will be helpful.
Fifteen years ago my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida's Southeast coast. The last time we saw our grandkids was on Grandchildren's Day when they were dragged down by their parents. We were living in the Delray/Boca/Boynton, Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-hachee. There are 3000 lakes in Florida, only 3 are real. It would be great if the kids came down to visit us this winter, as there is so much going on.
Back by popular demand, the feisty, Hip Replacement Tappers Club will be tap dancing to the Flight Of The Bumble Bee. It promises to be quite a production with lots of singing and dancing. This year I am not in the cast but will be standing by with the defibrillator volunteers.
Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Your days will be eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of your car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where you parked takes 20 minutes. It takes 1/2 hour on the check-out line in Wal-Mart and 1 hour to return the item the next day. Then of course, there are the visits to the doctor's and dentist's offices.
Let me take you through a typical day:
We get up at 5:00 AM, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk and Talk Club. There are about 30 of us and rain or shine we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6 AM. After a nimble walk avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.
My wife goes directly to the pool for her under water Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR.
I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my mid-calf shorts, my socks and sandals and go to the club house lobby for a nice nap. Before you know it it's time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.
We're usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3 PM, but we get there by 3:45 because we are late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. You can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, Sweet-and-Low packets and mints.
At 5:30 we're home ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 we're fast asleep. Then we get up and make 5 or 6 trips to the bathroom during the night and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.
Doctor related activities will eat up most of your retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling for test results also help the days fly by. It takes at least half an hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then there is the hold time until you are connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget you are holding, and the whole office goes to lunch.
Many of the receptionists are quite rude. They keep you standing at that dopey little, closed glass window, totally ignoring you. After 1/2 an hour, I ignore the 'Do not tap on the window' sign and tap on the window. This always drives them nuts. If you do, they put down their Egg McMuffin or their copy of the Enquirer, and fling open the window, ready for a fight. I lie, explaining I tapped on the window accidentally because I have Parkinson's.
They claim they are required to keep the window closed because of the privacy law but l don't believe it. Are they afraid if I were to overhear Sol Lipshitz has hemorrhoids, that I would blackmail him or sell the information to a foreign government? In Florida everyone has hemorrhoids!
Should one find they still have time on their hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate.
Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball team---'The Arthritic Avengers.' The hoop is only 4 1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk.
Food shopping is a problem for short seniors or 'bottom feeders' as we call them because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they have never tasted. Whenever I see one of them struggling to reach a jar of gefilte fish, I rush over to lend a hand. After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars. They wander the parking lot for hours looking for their car while their food defrosts.
Choosing a development with suitable amenities is an important decision. The various clubs in these communities provide most of the activities. Our development has over 300 clubs. There's something for everyone. Clubs like the kidney donating club, the Taliban Club, the East meets West club, not to be confused with the West meets East club, etc. A truly active community is one where the ambulance is there several times a day and is part of the Travel Club.
Lastly, it's important to choose development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida . They convey... world traveler, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live... Murray's Condo's or the Lakes Of Venice? There is no difference. They are both owned by Murray who happens to be a cheap bastard!
The Italian names appeal to those name-dropping, phony snow birds that are out to impress their friends up north. I once heard someone say ...we spend our summers in the Catskills, but we winter at Villa Borghese in Delray Beach '. I have been to Villa Borghese. There are 1,200 Jews and 2 Italians!!
I hope this material has been of some help to you future retires. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida I live in The Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.