Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||June 5th, 2008|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
Marsha and John--
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.
At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry.
'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.
The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'
'What did you watch?', asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.'
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.'
The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio.
When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the crap out of her, not once, but three times.
Politics, politics . . .
I remember the time that Catherine, one of my daughter's friends, when she was little, told me that she wanted to be President one day.
Both of her parents are liberal Democrats and were standing there with us, and I asked Catherine, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"
Catherine replied, "I would give houses to all the homeless people."
"Wow, what a worthy goal you have there, Catherine."
I told her, "You don't have to wait until you are President to do that; you can come over to my house and clean up all the dog poop in the back yard
and I will pay you $5. Then we can go over to the grocery store where the
homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $5 to use for a new house."
Catherine, who was about 6, thought that over for a second, while her mom looked at me puzzled, and Catherine replied, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and clean up the dog poop and you can pay him the $5?"
"Well done Catherine. Welcome to the Republican Party!" I replied.
One day, three O-6s were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The Air Force Colonel called out to God, praying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.”
God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river. It did, however, take him about two hours, and he almost drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, the Army Colonel prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."
“POOF!" God gave him a rowboat.
He was able to row across the river in about an hour, but it was rough, and he almost capsized the boat a couple of times.
The Navy Captain had seen how things worked out for the other two, so when he prayed to God, he said, "Please God, give me the strength, the tools, and the intelligence to cross this river.”
God turned him into a Marine Lance Corporal. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and walked across the bridge.
From a 1942 Texas Newspaper, as reported in the January 2008 edition of the Buffalo Gap Roundup, a newspaper serving Buffalo Gap, Texas, and surrounding areas:
COMPASSION OF A JUDGE: A very learned and compassionate Judge in Texas, on passing sentence on one John Jones, who had been convicted of murder, is said to have concluded his remarks as follows:
"The fact is, Jones, that the court did not intend to order to you to be executed before this spring; but the weather is very cold; our jail, unfortuantely, is in a very bad condition. Much of the glass in the window is broken; the chimneys are in such a dilapidated state that no fire can be made to render your apartments comfortable. Besides, owing to the great number of prisoners, not more than one blanket can be allotted to each. To sleep soundly and comfortably, therefore, will be out of the question. In consideration of these circumstances, and wishing to lessen your suffering as much as possible, the court, in the exercise of its humanity and compassion, do hereby order you to be executed tomorrow morning, as soon after breakfast as may be conveneient to the sheriff, and agreeable to you.
With thanks to Brenda and Allen Jones
Fort Worth, Texas
For those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot.
You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also October 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Target has wallets on sale for $2.99.
How To Write Real Good
Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays in order to have them published and sent out for the amusement of other teachers across the country. Recent winners :
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled around inside his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the kind of wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who goes blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like the sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
11. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling west at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. traveling east at a speed of 35 mph.
13. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
14. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
15. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
16. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
17. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
18. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
19. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
20. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.