 Daily Chuckle |
May 8th, 2008 |
Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
The average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be An American.
From a Faithful Reader - not sure, but I think she’s a Republican:
Show your solidarity!
There are less than eight months until the election, an election that will decide the next president of the United States. The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans.
To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice. It's time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike.
If you support the policies and character of John McCain, please drive with your headlights on during the day.
If you support Obama or Hillary, please drive with your headlights off at night.
Rural Observations
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a
different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible.
Putting Your Affairs in Order
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you had best put your affairs in order."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well, Dear, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things do not go so well. In this case, things are not well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
The woman said, "I know. I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."
Now that's putting your affairs in order.
Wal-Mart Greeter...
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter, Paul Spangler, said pleasantly "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "No they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied Paul. "I just couldn't imagine someone making love to you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
THE FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH
His dizzy aunt ----------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes -- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ---- Stop n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ------- U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois ------ Chica Gogh
His magician uncle ------
Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin --------------------A mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ---- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle - Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ------ Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ------ Flamin Gogh
The fruit loving cousin ------ Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking --------------- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ------ Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ------ Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van ------ Winnie Bay Gogh
And there ya Gogh!
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