Daily Chuckle

May 1st, 2008

Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics. He stated: "Casi cada uno que puede funcionar, saltar, o la nadada ha salido ya del pais."

Translation: "Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."

On Guns

1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.
2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
3. I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.
4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
5. A reporter did a human interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him, "Why carry a 45?". The Ranger responded with, "Because they don't make a .46." Credit to Retired Texas Ranger Joaquin (Waukeen) Jackson, Alpine, Texas.
6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.
7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. "Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?"
"No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle."
8. Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!

Comments:
I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. To which I said I did.

She said, "Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!"

To which I said, "Of course it is loaded, can't work without bullets."

She then asked, "Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?"

My reply was, "No not at all.

I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and THEY ARE ALL LOADED."

Parting note: An unloaded gun is just a club.

Investment tips for 2008

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2008:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.
4. ZippoManufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!
And finally...
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang

Somewhere in the USA -

The other day I went to Starbucks for coffee and I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I upped the ante and called him a "Nazi."

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut-eating Gestapo jerk." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I rode to Starbucks on my bicycle. The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. My doctors tell me it is important to laugh.

The Passage of Time

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1988. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had TV via cable and phones without cords.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: 'Where's the Beef?', 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel', or 'de plane Boss, de plane.'

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Not Really A Joke Department

Like a lot of folks in this country, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their ass doing drugs, while I work. . . Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

Childbirth

Should children witness child birth? Good question. Here's your answer.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3yr. old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place ... smack his bottom again!"