Daily Chuckle

April 10th, 2008

Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

Ole & Sven are on vacation in Texas and walk by a store window with the sign, "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 a pair."

Ole says to his pal, "Sven, look at dat! Ve could buy a whole bunch of dese clothes, take'em back to Iowa , sell'em to all da dumb Yermans up dere, and make a fortune!"

Ole continues, "Now ven ve go in dere, don't you say a vurd, okay? Yust let me do the talkin''cause if dey hear your accent, they might tink ve're ignorant Norvegians, and dey von't vanna sell dem clothes to us. Now, I'll talk like I'm a Texan, so dey von't know"
Ole and Sven go in and Ole says with his best fake Texas accent,"Howdy, y'all. Ah'll take 50 of them there suits at five dollahs each, 100 of them there shirts at two dollahs each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at two-fifty each. So, Ah'll just back up mah pickup and......"

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are a coupla Norwegians from Minnesota, ain't you?"

"Vell yah," says a surprised Ole "How'd you know dat?"

The owner replies, "Cause this here's a dry-cleaners."

Cultural Knowledge

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e- h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

•••••

A first grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are 6-year-olds because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than Pregnant

Mother’s Love

Timmy's mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school.

He didn't want her to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence, but she needed to be sure that he was safe. So she asked a neighbor if she would please follow Timmy to school in the mornings, staying at a distance so that he wouldn't notice her.

The neighbor said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise. She agreed to follow Timmy to school.

The next day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for a week.

As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's friend noticed that the same lady was following them, and seemed to have been following them all week. Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady who's been following us to school all week? Do you know her?"

Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."

His friend said, "Well, who is she?""That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy."

"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she, and why is she following us?" Timmy's friend asked.

"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in that Psalm it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life, ' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it."

The Lord bless you and keep you; The Lord make his face to shine upon you, and be gracious to you; The Lord lift His countenance upon you, and give you peace. (Numbers 6:24-26)

AND MAY SHIRLEY GOODNEST AND MARCY FOLLOW YOU ALL THE DAYS OF YOUR LIVES ...