Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||March 13th, 2008|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea ... does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree
surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells 'THEIRS'?
Problems Within Our Military
Almost seven years ago I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power.
At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism as I watched George W. Bush take his oath of office. However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched the Clintons board Air Force One for the last time.
I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the outgoing President and first lady. It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated under the Clinton administration.
Every last one of them missed.
The Blonde Mortician
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The Blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," she says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left
yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said
it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
So I just switched the heads."
Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Iowa:
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through
May, you live in Iowa.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and
they don't work there, you live in Iowa.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Iowa.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in Iowa.
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of DES MOINES for the weekend, you live in Iowa.
If you measure distance in squares of farm land, you live in Iowa.
If you know several people who have hit a cow more than once, you live in Iowa.
If you have gone from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you live in Iowa.
If you can drive 70 mph through 2 feet of snow during a
raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Iowa.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you live in Iowa.
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in Iowa.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a
snowsuit, you live in Iowa.
If the I-80 speed limit is 70 mph -- you're going 90 and everybody is passing you, you live in Iowa.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Iowa.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in Iowa.
If you have more hours on your lawn mower, and snow blower than miles on your car, you live in Iowa.
If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in Iowa.
If you understand these jokes, send them to all your Iowa friends and others, who actually live or have lived in Iowa, you live in Iowa.
10 Reasons to Choose Guns Over Women!
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason ...
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!
Man’s Best Friend
Have you ever wondered about this? Well, in case you have, I’m going to put that question to rest once and for all!
There's no doubt about it. A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, there’s a little experiment you could do that will prove this beyond a doubt. So, if you’re still with me, here’s the experiment ...
Put your dog and your spouse, or significant other, in the trunk of your car and close it securely for about an hour or so.
Now answer this question: when you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?!