Daily Chuckle

March 6th, 2008

Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

Graveside Service

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the backwoods area and I became lost; and, being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe, and the crew was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached, the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory'! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers say to another, ''ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years!'

Union Rules & Hookers

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?'

'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.'

'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'

'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.'

The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'

'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.'

'That's more like it!' the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

'I'd like her,' he said.

'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'

Wheelin’ & Dealin’

I bought a new Ford F-350 crew cab and returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.

The radio replied,'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers. Then he said, 'Ray Charles!' and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,’ I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'Idiots!'

Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on Scotch.

I LOVE this truck!

The Marine Has Landed

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.' It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?'

The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.'

The Birthday

Rick forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him

Spread the Stupidity

Only in America ... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

Only in America ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America ... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America ....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

The Frog and Golf

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, ‘Ribbit 9 Iron.'

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.' He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?’

The frog replies, 'Ribbit Lucky frog.'

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

'What do you think frog?' the man asks.

Ribbit 3 wood.'

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, 'OK where to next?'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit Las Vegas.'

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, 'OK frog, now what?'

The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'

Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, 'What do you think I should bet?'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit KissMe.'

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. 'And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'

The Puzzling Blonde

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . . . . . . . "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."