 Daily Chuckle |
February 21st, 2008 |
Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
Actual Sign Posted at a Golf Club in Scottsdale, Arizona
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don’t stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please . . . while others are preparing.
10. Don’t take extra strokes.
Well done. Now flush the urinal, go out and tee off!
Republican Fisherman
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below.
She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."
The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
What Made Me Me
Long ago and far away,
In a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan,
Or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a race of innocents,
And they were you and me,
Long ago and far away In the Land That Made Me Me.
For Ike was in the White House
In that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges,
And Peyton Place was porn.
We learned to gut a muffler,
We washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry
In circles on the lawn.
We longed for love & romance,
And waited for our Prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz,
And no one's seen him since.
We dance to "Little Darlin",
And sang to "Stagger Lee"
And cried for Buddy Holly
In the Land That Made Me Me.
Only girls wore earrings then,
And three was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts,
Except for Jean McKinney.
And only in our wildest dreams
Did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick,
In the Land That Made Me Me.
We fell for Frankie Avalon,
Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie,
They never made it twice.
We didn't have a Star Trek Five,
Or Pscho Two & Three,
Or Rockey-Rambo Twenty
In the Land That Made Me Me
Miss Kitty had a heart of gold,
And Chester had a limp
And Reagan was a Democrat
whose co-star was a chimp.
We had a Mr. Wizard,
But not a Mr. T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet
In the Land That Made Me Me.
We had our share of heroes,
We never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin,
Or Marilyn Monroe.
For youth was still eternal,
And life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever
In the Land That Made Me Me.
We'd never seen the rock band
That was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson,
And Zeppelins were not Led.
And Beatles lived in gardens then,
And Monkees lived in trees,
Madonna was a virgin
In the Land That Made Me Me.
We'd never heard of microwaves,
Or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed,
But they were not grown in jars.
And pumping iron got wrinkles out,
And "gay" meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never coed
In the Land That Made Me Me.
We hadn't seen enough of jets
To talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left
At the bottom of the bag.
And Hardware was a box of nails,
And bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction
In the Land That Made Me Me.
Buick's came with portholes,
And side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough
To cover both your cheeks.
And Coke came just in bottles,
And skirts came to the knee,
And Castro came to power
In the Land That Made Me Me.
We had no Crest with Fluoride,
We had no Hill Sreet Blues,
We all wore superstructure bras
Designed by Howard Hughes.
We had no patterned pantyhose
Or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for condoms
In the Land That Made Me Me.
There were no golden arches,
No Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda,
And cats were not called Bill.
And middle-aged was 35
And old was forty-three,
And ancient was our parents
In the Land That Made Me Me.
But all things have a season,
Or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline
We swear by Retin-A.
And they send us invitations
To join A A R P,
We've come a long way, baby,
From the Land That Made Me Me.
So now we face a brave new world
In slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using
Smaller print in magazines.
And we tell our children's children
Of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away
In the Land That Made Me Me.
Doctor Tales
Let me tell you about my doctor. He is very good. If you tell him you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again.
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.
While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he is invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
Another time a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film." The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem." The doctor asked, "When did it start?" The man replied, "When did what start?"
I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: "Don't answer it."
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these. If they don't work, give me a ring."
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.
You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."
Lexophilia
Did you hear about the man who went through a screen door and strained himself?
Or the optician who fell into the lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself?
Or the equine trainer with laryngitus known as the hoarse whisperer?
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