Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||February 14th, 2008|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
'Hello,' said the little boy
'Hi,' replied the little girl.
'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.
'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,'
answered the little girl.
'I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.
'I go to the Lutheran church back down the road,' replied the little girl. 'What about you? '
'I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill,' replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.
They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.
'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,' replied the little boy.
'I tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'
'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy. 'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked . . 'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a Lutheran and a Catholic!
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
and MY Personal Favorite
WRINKLES: Something OTHER people have. I have character lines!
For those of you from Minnesota, this ought to be easy! Good luck to the rest of you! So you'd like to be a millionaire? Here's your chance.
1) $100 How many Super Bowls have the Vikings won?
2) $200 The Mississippi River starts at which lake?
a. Lake Superior
b. Lake Itasca
c. Mille Lacs
d. The General Mills Pond
3) $400 Choppers are worn on which body part?
d. Over da lower end of yer backside der.
4) $1,000 Which City is furder up nort?
c. St. Cloud
5) $2,000 The Minnesota State fish is?
6) $4,000 St Paul is smaller than which other city?
7) $8,000 Lutefisk can be found where?
a. Mississippi River
b. Lake Superior
c. Mille Lacs Lake
d. The basement of a Lutheran Church
8) $16,000 Which is considered a Minnesota State Holiday?
a. St. Patrick's Day
b. Fishing Opener
c. Labor Day
d. Hopkins Raspberry Days
9) $32,000 Who are Ole and Sven?
a. The Mayors of Bemidji and Elk River
b. The Governor and Lt. Governor
c. The perpetual stereotypes of Dumb Scandinavian jokes
d. The former owners of the Vikings
10) $64,000 Which color becomes fashionable each fall?
c. Blaze Orange
11) $125,000 W-A-Y-Z-A-T-A is pronounced which way?
12) $250,000 How thick should the ice be before driving onto the lake?
a. 1/2 inch
b. 1 inch
c. 10 feet
d. 12 inches
13) $500,000 Which star was not born in Minnesota?
a. Judy Garland
b. James Arness
c. Jessica Lange
d. Peewee Herman
14) $1,000,000 Who was the first governor of Minnesota?
a. Verne Gagne
b. Alexander Ramsey
c. Henry Sibley
d. Nick Bockwinkle
1. $100 --- c. 0
2. $200 --- b. Lake Itasca
3. $400 --- a. Hands
4. $1,000 --- a. Ely
5. $2,000 --- b. Walleye
6. $4,000 --- c. Minneapolis
7. $8,000 --- d. The basement of a Lutheran Church
8. $16,000 --- b. Fishing Opener
9. $32,000 --- c. The perpetual stereotypes of Dumb Scandinavian jokes
10. $64,000 --- c. Blaze Orange
11. $125,000 --- b. why-ZET -a
12. $250,000 --- d. 12 inches
13. $500,000 --- d. Peewee Herman
14. $1,000,000 -- c Henry Sibley
How did you do?
Asylum for the Verbally Insane
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway. And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?
I give up!