 Daily Chuckle |
January 31st, 2008 |
Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
Victoria’s Secret
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price. The more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "Now here's an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
Closed coffin.
Great and Pithy Sayings
1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he's too old to fight, he'll just kill you.
2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics are wrong.
3. I carry a gun, 'cause a cop is too heavy.'
4. America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the mall shopping.
5. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
6. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers.
The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him "Why do you carry a .45?"
The Ranger responded with, "Because they don't make a .46."
7. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.
8. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm.
"Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?"
"No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle."
9. Beware the man who only has one gun. He probably knows how to use it!
10. "A hand gun is what you use to fight your way to your rifle."
I Don’t Do Windows
Philosophy of Housecleaning
I don't do windows because ...
I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.
I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt then I'll feel terrible. (plus they may sue me.)
I don't mind the dust bunnies because ... they are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.
I don't disturb cobwebs because I want every creature to have a home of their own.
I don't Spring Clean because I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.
I don't pull weeds in the garden because .. I don't want to get in God's way, HE is an excellent designer!
I don't put things away because my husband will never be able to find them again.
I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.
I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press."
I don't stress much on anything because ... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!
The Italians . . .
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"
"What . . . . .. .. You comma empty handed?"
***
Saw a billboard that said, "Need help, call Jesus." 1-800-005-3787
...Out of curiosity I did.
A Mexican showed up with a tow truck.'
HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES
(a person that plays with words, or messes with common phrases)
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will, is a dead giveaway. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A- flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
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