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Daily Chuckle January 24th, 2008
Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

Football Quotes

"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money and we don't have any."
Erik Russell/Georgia Southern.

"Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas "
Seen on a church sign in Arkansas, prior to the 1969 game.

"After you retire, there's only one big event left ... and I ain't ready for that."
Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it."
Lou Holtz/Arkansas

"When you win, nothing hurts."
Joe Namath/Alabama

"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated."
Lou Holtz/Arkansas

"If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password, "Roll, tide, roll!"
Bear Bryant/Alabama

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall."
Frank Leahy/Notre Dame

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."
Woody Hayes/Ohio State

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation."
Bob Devaney/Nebraska

"In Alabama , an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant."
Wally Butts/Georgia

"You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life."
Paul Dietzel/LSU

"It's kind of hard to rally around a math class."
Bear Bryant / Alabama

When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world.
"No, but you can see it from here."
Lou Holtz/Arkansas

"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game."
Bear Bryant/Alabama

"There's one sure way to stop us from scoring-give us the ball near the goal line."
Matty Bell/SMU

"Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died."
Frank Leahy/Notre Dame

"I never graduated from Iowa, but I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's."
Alex Karras/Iowa

"My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor."
Bowden Wyatt/Tennessee

"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades."
Duffy Daugherty/Michigan State

"Always remember ..... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David."
Shug Jordan/Auburn

"They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that's real small pieces."
Darrell Royal/Texas

"Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure."
Knute Rockne/Notre Dame

"They whipped us like a tied up goat."
Spike Dykes/Texas Tech

"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: "Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good."
Walt Garrison/Oklahoma State

"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel."
Bobby Bowden/Florida State

"Football is not a contact sport - it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport."
Duffy Daugherty/Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his postgame message to his team:
"All those who need showers, take them."
John McKay/USC

"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education."
Murray Warmath/Minnesota

"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb."
Knute Rockne/Notre Dame

"Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon."
Spike Dykes/Texas Tech

"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it."
Knute Rockne/Notre Dame

"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches."
Darrell Royal/Texas

"We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking."
Wilson Matthews/Little Rock Central High School

"Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad ."
Darrell Royal/University of Texas

"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players."
Knute Rockne/Notre Dame

"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football"
John Heisman

60 Years of Marriage

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

Doctor’s Orders

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

'I'll be right back with some water,' the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.

The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. 'Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes.

 

 

 

 


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