Daily Chuckle

January 3rd, 2008

Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

The Wisdom Of Our Time

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?

When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine, "Jeff's".

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.

Learn from your parents’ mistakes. Use Birth Control.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't Drink and Drive; you might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Time's fun when you're having flies.
...Kermit the Frog

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

Friends don't let friends take ugly MEN home.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Gun Control: using both hands.

The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population

Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist. "

The Government Official

A cocky U.S. Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.

He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder."

The Agriculture representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand!"

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.

Half an hour later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step.

The Rep was clearly terrified, so farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out, "Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"

Who says Today’s Kids aren't smart?

I wish I'd thought of this...

At a high School in Montana, a group of high school students played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats. 1, 2, & 4. The local school administrators spent the rest of the day looking for #3.

Bumper Snickers

When Clinton Lied No One Died

Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.

The Earth Is Full - Go Home.

I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Honk If Anything Falls Off.

Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.

He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost, But is Miles From The Next Exit.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph

Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Looks Like Jabba The Hut?

Ax Me About Ebonics.

Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.

Boldly Going Nowhere.

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.

Heart Attacks: God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?

GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.

All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.

AND Finally
"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN, AND FOR THE SAME REASON

(I think this was Ronald Reagan's line in a speech . . . .)

•••••

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"

A Sad Story

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

. ..and that's when the fight started