Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||October 25th, 2007|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
• Don't drink and drive--
You might hit a bump and spill your drink
• Don't steal - - the Government hates competition
• Clear the road---I'm sixteen
• Don't rush me--I get paid by the hour
• Things get better with age - - - I'm approaching magnificent
• Men are idiots and I married their King
• Gun control means using both hands
• I fish, therefore I Lie
• Caution: I can go from zero to bitch in 2.5 seconds
• I've been dieting for a month; all I've lost is 31 days
• Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let my friends be fat
• You say I'm a bitch like its a bad thing
• Money Talks - - - Mine always says . . . goodbye!
• Trust your instincts: people really don't like you
• What if the Hokey Pokey is what it's all about?
• Sarcasm: just one more service I offer
• Over 50: Been There--Done That--Can't Remember
• I used up all my sick days so I called in Dead
• Can't Feed 'Em? Don't Breed 'Em!
• Consciousness--That confusing time between naps
• If money is the root of all evil, why do churches beg for it?
• I'm the boss--my wife said I could be
• Don't act stupid--we have politicians for that
• Men control everything---but women control men
• Uncle Sam Wants You - - - to speak English
• If at first you don't succeed, screw it
• Wish You Were Beer
• There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those that can't.
• Stop repeat offenders---don't reelect them
• Born again? What makes you think you'll get it right this time?
• I'm great in bed. I can sleep all night.
• Lawyers--Criminals--I forget the difference
• Men have feelings too, but who really cares?
• When Life gives you lemons---throw them at somebody
• My heart belongs to What's-Her-Name
The Great American Pastime
A Detroit Tigers scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play baseball and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to states.Two weeks later the Tigers are in a close game with the Indians. The manager gives the young Iraqi reliever the nod and on he goes.
The kid is a sensation, he strikes out everyone he faces for the rest of the game and wins it for the Tigers! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media loves the new star.
When the player comes off the field he phones his mom to tell her about his first day in the Majors."Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for three innings today, I was called from the bullpen with the bases loaded but I struck out everyone I faced , and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a great time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?! Sorry?!" says his mom, "It's your damn fault we moved to
Detroit in the first place!"
If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.!
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout ... run right back and make friends .
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile.
A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Oklahoma Hills.
Cowboy: 'Nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?'
Indian: 'Dog no talk.'
Cowboy: 'Hey dog, how's it going?'
Dog: 'Doin' all right.'
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: 'Is this Indian your owner?' (pointing at the Indian)
Cowboy: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Indian: 'Horse no talk.'
Cowboy: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing to the Indian)
Cowboy: 'How's he treating you?'
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather.'
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Indian: 'Sheep lie.'
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?