Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||October 11th, 2007|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
This past Saturday I took my three children to the zoo. My middle child was busy explaining about all the animals to her younger sister.
Being the know-it-all she is at the age of five she was telling her sister, who is three, all about the hippoprotestants.
A Polish immigrant goes to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. He has to take an eye sight test. The optician shows him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'.
"Can you read this?" the optician asks.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know this guy."
A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."
The Italian says, "We have the Collosseum."
The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians."
The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire" and so on and so on, and then the Greek says: "We invented sex."
The Italian says: "Ah, that is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
In addition to the illegal immigration of aliens into the United States, Canada is also reporting an alarming trend.
The flood of American Liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. In spite of the Democrats taking control of Congress, there has been a continuation of the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.
Liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers.
"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. “We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."
A robber walks into a bank, produces a gun, and points to the teller, saying, "Give me all the money or you'll be geography."
The teller looks up and says, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber replies, "Don't change the subject."
It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented by a Polish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later
modified by a Jewish inventor who put a hole in the seat.
This is the real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse!
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full
of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.
Yet More Inventions
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly
discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent 2 years and $2 million developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
The Russians used pencils.
Your taxes are due again soon--enjoy paying them.
The Loving Son
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Madam, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."
The priest replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said.... "Oh, $20,000 a week."
The Priest was amazed, "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession," The priest says. "Where does he practice?"
The old lady says proudly, "Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno."
COWBOY/COUNTRY WISDOM (Old advice, but sooooooooooo true)
Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
Meanness don't happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
Don't corner something meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You can't unsay a cruel thing.
Every path has some puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Don't judge people by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
It's better to be a has-been than a never-was.
The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
Only cows know why they stampede.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
You can't tell how good a man or a watermelon is 'til they get thumped.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.