Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||October 4th, 2007|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
The Computer Swallowed Grandma
The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly it’s true!
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy,''Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me.
A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a
while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action." And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on, so he called one of his angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.
When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, It's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased, so he decided to email the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the email said?
Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either.
A man was washed on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog survived with him. He looked around and realized that they were stranded on a desert island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -- a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started to look better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm away from the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.
That evening the man introduced Hillary to the evening sunset ritual.
It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze -- perfect night for romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought the urges as long as he could, but finally gave in and
leaned over to Hillary, cautiously, and whispered in her ear ...
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Yet Another Shipwreck
A retired corporate executive decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life ... until the boat sank!
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing - just bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branch and the sides and stern came from a
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of luvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable, ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few hours of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please.
Would you like a drink?"
"No. No, thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice.
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and flowers strategically positioned, and smelling of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months?" She stares into his eyes and takes his hand in hers ...
He can't believe what he's hearing. He swallows excitedly, tears start to form in his eyes, and he
says, "You mean ... I can check my e-mail from here?