Daily Chuckle

September 27th, 2007

Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

The Mysteries of English

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this. How do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English?

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stirup trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this up is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so ....

Time to shut UP!

Oh ...one more thing:!

What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

U P!

Larry and Ken

Two elderly friends, Larry and Ken, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Larry didn't show up. Ken didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Ken really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Ken didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Ken figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Ken approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry! Ken was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, "For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?"

Larry replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Ken. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Larry said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Ken, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well," Larry said, "she filed rape charges against me, and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that, when I got into court, I pleaded guilty. The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

When Girls Drink Too Much

1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.

2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt while yelling “woo-hoo” is truly the sexiest dance move around!

3. We’ve suddenly decided that we want to kick someone’s butt and honestly believe we could do it too.

4. In our last to go tinkle, we realize that we now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess we were just four hours ago.

5. We start crying and telling everyone we see that we love them soooooo much.

6. We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because, ‘oh, my God, I love this song!’

7. We’ve found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us.

8. We’ve suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

9. We yell at the bartender who we believe cheated us by iving us just lemonade, but that’s just because we can no longer taste the gin.

10. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor (or the mop).

11. We fail to notice that the toilet lid is down when we sit on it.

12. We take our shoes off because we believe it is their fault that we’re having problems walking straight.

And remember, a clean house is a sign of a wasted life . . .

Technology

After having dug to a depth of 1,000 meters last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network all those centuries ago. Not to be outdone, English scientists dug to a depth of 2,000 meters and headlines in the U. K. newspapers read "English Archaeologists Find Traces of 2,000-Year-Old Fiber-Optic Cable" and concluded their ancestors had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years before the French telephone.

One week later, Israeli Newspapers reported the following: "After digging 5,000 meters in a Jerusalem marketplace, scientists found absolutely nothing. They therefore concluded that 5,000 years ago Jews were using wireless technology."

The Anniversary

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry. She told him, 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the Driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!'

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked:

"Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said,

"If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight.

"I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a chewable aspirin. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked:

"How does it know it's me?"

D. I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked:

"How much do I cost?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read:

"The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked,

"Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.. This particular Sunday sermon. "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,

"Mom, what is butt dust?"