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Daily Chuckle September 13th, 2007
Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

Things You Don’t Hear Anymore

Be sure and refill the ice trays, we are going to have company after while.

Watch for the postman, I want to get this letter in the mail today.

Quit slamming that screen door!

Be sure to pull the windows down when you leave, it looks like it might shower -- and bring in the clothes on the line, too.

Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.

Wash your feet before you go to bed, they are nasty from playing bare footed outside all day.

Why can't you remember to roll up your pants legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up.

You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on.

Don't you go outside with your good school clothes on!

Hang up your Sunday School clothes, you know you need to pass them down to your brother in good condition.

Go comb your hair. It looks like the rats have nested in it all night.

Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle. I need it for baking and Pa's coffee.

Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one.

Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won't get on it.

Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don't quit!

Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need to get a few things from him.

You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I will need you to help push it off.

There is a dollar in my purse, go by the service station and get five gallons of gas when you start to town.

Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it is getting hot.

You can walk to the store; it won't hurt you to get some exercise. Maybe you will learn to be more careful with your bicycle.

Don't sit to close to the TV, it is hard on your eyes.

If you pull that stunt again, I am going to wear you out!

Don't lose that button, I will sew it back on after while.

Wash under your neck before you come to the table, you have beads of dirt and sweat all under there.

Get out from under that sewing machine, pumping it messes up the thread!

Do you want to go get me a switch?

Be sure and fill the lamps this morning so we don't have to do that tonight in the dark.

Here, take this old magazine to the outhouse (toilet) when you go, we are almost out of paper out there.

Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water for me to wash dishes in.

Don't turn the radio on now, I want the battery to be up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on.

No! I don't have five cents for you to go to the show, do you think money grows on trees?

Eat those vegetables; they will make you big and strong like your daddy.

That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don't care how cold it is out there, dogs just don't come in the house.

Sit still! I am trying to get your hair cut straight and you keep moving and it is getting botched up.

Hush your mouth! I don't want to hear words like that. I will wash your mouth out with soap again!

It is time for your system to be cleaned out, I'm going to give you a dose of Castor Oil in the morning.

If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you will get another one when you get home.

Quit crossing your eyes! They will get hung that way!

Soak your foot in this pan of coal oil so that cut won't get infected.

When you take your driving test don't forget your hand signals each turn. Left arm straight out the window for a left turn, and left arm bent up to the sky at the elbow for a right turn and straight down to the side of the door when you are going to stop.

It is "Yes, sir!" and "No, sir" to me and your elders young man, and don't you forget it!

While we are at Aunt Mary's and Uncle John's you kids eat when the adults get through and I don't want to hear "I don't like this stuff". You better keep your mouth shut and eat everything on your plate.

Well, that ought to keep us remembering some of the finer things of the past, some good and some not so good, and young man if I hear you repeat one word of this I will beat the daylights out of you, do you understand that?!

Yep, too bad we can't have some of them back without going to jail.

Are Male Blondes as Dumb as Female Blondes?

Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."

Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall."

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?"
Operator: "Does the product name give you a clue?"

Caller (inquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe ):
"If I register my car in France, and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please."
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland."

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?"
•••••

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

 

 

 


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