Daily Chuckle

August 16th, 2007

Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

Two Cajun fishermen, Boudreaux and Thibodeaux, went deep in the Bayous fishing.

They were gone for a couple of months. On their return they noticed a Taco Bell had been built while they were away.

Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and says, "Look at dat, we ain't been gone no time and dem der Mexicans done come over here and built dem a telephone company!"
•••••
A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the four pups. And set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of little boy.

"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."

"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."

The boy dropped his head for a moment.

Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.

"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"

"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called.

Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.

The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up ...

"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.

Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully handed it to the little boy.

"How much?" asked the little boy.

"No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."

The world is full of people who need someone who understands .
•••••
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why
it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and," pausing to take another drink of beer...

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young...so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little snot, what are YOU doing for the next generation?"

The applause was resounding...

Things You Don’t Hear Anymore

Be sure and refill the ice trays, we are going to have company after while.

Watch for the postman, I want to get this letter to Aunt Mary in the mail today.

Quit slamming the screen door when you are on your way out!

Be sure and pull the windows down when you leave, it looks like a shower is coming up.

Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.

Wash your feet before you go to bed, they are nasty from playing outside all day bare footed.

Why can't you remember to roll up your pant legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up.

Your have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on.

Don't you go outside with your good school clothes on!

Go comb your hair, it looks like the rats have nested in it all night.

Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle.

Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one.

Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won't get on it.

Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don't quit!

Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need to get a few things from him.

You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I will need you to help push it off.

There is a dollar in my purse, go by and get five gallons of gas when you start to town.

Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it is getting hot.

You can walk to the store, it won't hurt you to get some exercise.

Don't sit to close to the TV, it is hard on your eyes.

If you pull that stunt again I am going to wear you out!

Don't lose that button, I will sew it back on after while.

Wash under your neck before you come to the table, you have beads of dirt and sweat all under there.

Get out from under that sewing machine, pumping it messes up the thread!

Be sure and fill the lamps this morning so we don't have to do that tonight in the dark.

Here, take this old magazine to the toilet with you when you go, we are almost out of paper out there.

Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water for me to wash dishes in.

Don't turn the radio on now, I want the battery to be up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on.

No! I don't have nine cents for you to go to the show, do you think money grows on trees?

Eat those vegetables, they will make you big and strong like your daddy.

That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don't care how cold it is out there, dogs just don't come in the house.

Sit still! I am trying to get your hair cut straight and you keep moving and it is all botched up.

Hush your mouth! I don't want to hear words like that, I will wash your mouth out with soap!

It is time for your system to be cleaned out, I am going to give you a dose of Castor Oil tonight.

If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you will get another one when you get home.

Quit crossing your eyes! They will get hung that way!

Soak your foot in this pan of Coal Oil so that bad cut won't get infected.

When you take your driving test don't forget to signal each turn. Left arm straight out the window for a left turn, left arm bent up at the elbow for a right turn and straight down to the side of the door when you are going to stop.

It is Yes sir! And No sir! To me young man, and don't you forget it!

While we are at Aunt Mary's and Uncle John's you kids can eat when the adults get though and I don't want to hear any "I don't like this stuff", keep you mouth shut and eat everything on your plate.

Well, that ought to keep us remembering some of the finer things of the past, some good and some not so good, and young man if I hear you repeat
one word of this I will beat the day lights out of you, do you understand that?!

The Incident

I knew it was going to be a bad day on the way to work. I ran into the back of a truck at a stoplight.

The driver jumped out and came back to me.

He was a midget.

He screamed, “I’m not happy!”

I said, “Okay, which one are you?”

That’s when the fight started.
•••••
Three Norwegians went down to Mexico to celebrate their college graduation, got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they were to be executed in the morning, though none of them could remember what they did the night before.

The first one, Sven, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I yust graduated from Luther College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for Sven's forgiveness, and release him.

The second one, Lars, is strapped in and gives his last words, "I yust graduated from the Concordia College in Moorhead and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for his forgiveness, and release him.

The last one, Ole, is strapped in and says, "Vell, I'm from the University of Wisconsin and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in!"