Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||August 2nd, 2007|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
The Lawyer and His Porsche
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life"
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!"
"Oh, my God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"
Forrest Gump in Heaven
The day finally arrived.
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir, but nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"?
Shucks, that one is easy that would be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve?"
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there’s got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "
"Hold it," interrupts St.Peter, "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind ... but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
A woman is riding in a hot air balloon and she realizes that she's lost so she descends a bit and asks a man for help.
She yells "excuse me, I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am. Could you help me?"
The man looks up his GPS and goes "Yeah, you're in a hot airballoon approximately 60ft above sea level. You're 31 degrees, 14.36 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
The lady rolls her eyes and goes "You must be a Republican."
The man strokes his mustache and goes "Yes, I am, how did you know."
"Well" she says "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and I'm still lost. Frankly, you haven't helped me a bit.
The man looks up and goes. "I can tell you're a Democrat."
She says "how?"
"Well" he says "You don't know where you are, or where you're going. you've risen to where you are due a large quantity of hot air. You've made a promise that you have no idea how to keep and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, yet somehow its MY fault!"
The Father Speaks
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of the front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning, this is sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day to yourself. There is a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would you be so kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was a dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied, "Aye, tis certainly true, but we also are obliged to notify the next of kin."
God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God then created the monkey and said:
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
Then, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
God then created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.