Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||July 12th, 2007|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.
HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizen who took:
The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement, or
God out of government and school.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!
We do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.
Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner?
What about the last verse of My Country 'tis of Thee?
"Our father's God to thee,
Author of liberty,
To Thee we sing.
Long may our land be bright,
With freedom's Holy light.
Protect us by Thy might,
Great God our King."
Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!
YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
I'm the life of the party ... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps ... with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories ... over and over and over and over....
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for - long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm not really grouchy, I just don't like:
traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, barking dogs, politicians, and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe, secure, place, .. somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like ...
I'm beginning to realizing that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days,
and since when did they let kids become policemen?
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
How can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts ...
I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.
Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Bubba gets in line.
When it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray about?"
Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while.
After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"
Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday in Baton Rouge."
Headlines From the Year 2029
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of coverage.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20
co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.
Q. Will health care be different in the next decade?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
Moses died and went to heaven. God greets him at the Pearly Gates. "Are you hungry, Moses?" asks God.
"I could eat," Moses replies.
So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.
While partaking of this humble meal, Moses looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, briskets, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious but deeply trusting, he remains quiet.
The next day God again invites Moses to join him for a meal. Again it's tuna and rye bread. And, again, Moses can see those denizens of Hell enjoying salmon, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still he says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened. He can't contain himself any longer. Meekly, he says: "God, I am grateful to be here in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in that 'other place' they all eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand."
God sighs. "Let's be honest," He says. "For just two people, does it pay to cook?