Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||June 28th, 2007|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
Bubba and the Toilet
One day when Bubba and Billy
Bob were in the Little Rock
Wal-Mart, they decided to get in
on the weekly charity raffle.
They each bought five tickets at
a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the
raffle was drawn, each had won
Billy Bob won 1st place - a
year's supply of gourmet
spaghetti sauce and extra long
Bubba won 6th prize - a toilet
About a week or so had passed
when the men met back at Wal-
Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob
how he liked his prize, to which
Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"
Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How
'bout you, how's the toilet
"Not so good," replied Bubba,
"I reckon I'm gonna switch
back to paper."
I dialed a number and got the
following recording:"I am not available right now, but
thank you for caring enough to call. I
am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, You are
one of the changes."
Aspire to inspire before you
My wife and I had words, But I
didn't get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find
your glasses without your glasses.
Blessed are those who can give
without remembering and take
The irony of life is that, by the
time you're old enough to know
your way around, you're not
God made man before woman
so as to give him time to think
of an answer for her first question.
(But in reality he had to
make a rough draft before perfection)
I was always taught to respect
my elders, but it keeps getting
harder to find one.
Every morning is the dawn of a
You learn to like someone when you
find out what makes them laugh, but
you can never truly love someone until
you find out what makes them cry.
Every five years, as summertime
An announcement arrives in the
A reunion is planned; it'll be really
Make plans to attend without fail.
I'll never forget the first time we met;
We tried so hard to impress.
We drove fancy cars, smoked big
And wore our most elegant dress.
It was quite an affair; the whole class
It was held at a fancy hotel.
We wined, and we dined, and we
And everyone thought it was swell.
The men all conversed about who had
To achieve great fortune and fame.
Meanwhile, their spouses described
their fine houses
And how beautiful their children
The homecoming queen, who once had
Now weighed in at one-ninety-six.
The jocks who were there had all lost
And the cheerleaders could no longer
No one had heard about the class
Who'd guided a spacecraft to the
Or poor little Jane, who's always been
She married a shipping tycoon.
The boy we'd decreed "most apt to
Was serving ten years in the pen,
While the one voted "least" now was
Just shows you can be wrong now and
They awarded a prize to one of the
Who seemed to have aged the least.
Another was given to the grad who
The farthest to attend the feast.
They took a class picture, a curious
Of beehives, crew cuts and wide ties.
Tall, short, or skinny, the style was
You never saw so many thighs.
At our next get-together, no one cared
They impressed their classmates or
The mood was informal, a whole lot
By this time we'd all gone to pot.
It was held out-of-doors, at the lake
We ate hamburgers, coleslaw, and
Then most of us lay around in the
In our comfortable T-shirts and jeans.
By the fortieth year, it was abundantly
We were definitely over the hill.
Those who weren't dead had to crawl
out of bed,
And be home in time for their pill.
And now I can't wait; they've set the
Our fiftieth is coming, I'm told.
It should be a ball, they've rented a
At the Shady Rest Home for the old.
Repairs have been made on my hearing
My pacemaker's been turned up on
My wheelchair is oiled, and my teeth
have been boiled;
And I've bought a new wig and glass
I'm feeling quite hearty, and I’m
ready to party
I'm gonna dance 'til dawn's early
It'll be lots of fun; But I just hope
that there's a
few others who can make it that
Less Than Prophetic:
"Man will never reach the moon
regardless of all future scientific
advances." -- Dr. Lee DeForest,
"Father of Radio &
Grandfather of Television."
"The bomb will never go off. I speak
as an expert in explosives." --
Admiral William Leahy, US
"There is no likelihood man can ever
tap the power of the atom." -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in
"Computers in the future may weigh
no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular
Mechanics, forecasting the
relentless march of science,
"I think there is a world market for
maybe five computers ." -- Thomas
Watson, chairman of IBM,
"I have traveled the length and
breadth of this country and talked
with the best people, and I can assure
you that data processing is a fad that
won't last out the year." -- The editor
in charge of business books
for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what is it good for?" --
Engineer at the Advanced
Computing Systems Division of
IBM, 1968, commenting on the
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings
to be seriously considered as a
means of communication. The device
is inherently of no value to us," --
Western Union internal memo,
"The wireless music box has no imaginable
commercial value. Who would
pay for a message sent to nobody in
particular?" -- David Sarnoff's
associates in response to his
urgings for investment in the
radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and wellformed,
but in order to earn better
than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible," -- A Yale University management
professor in responseto Fred Smith's paper proposing
reliable overnight delivery
service. (Smith went on to
found Federal Express Corp.)
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable
who's falling on his face and not Gary
Cooper," -- Gary Cooper on his
decision not to take the leading
role in "Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea.
Besides, the market research reports
say America likes crispy cookies, not
soft and chewy cookies like you
make," -- Response to Debbi
Fields' idea of starting Mrs.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar
music is on the way out," --
Decca Recording Co. Rejecting
the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines
are impossible," -- Lord Kelvin,
president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't
have done the experiment. The literature
was full of examples that
said you can't do this," - - Spencer Silver on the work that led to
the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the
ground to try and find oil? You're
crazy," -- Drillers who Edwin L.
Drake tried to enlist to his project
to drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like
a permanently high plateau." - -
Irving Fisher, Professor of
Economics, Yale University,
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of
no military value," -- Marechal
Ferdinand Foch, Professor of
Strategy, Ecole Superieure de
"Everything that can be invented has
been invented," -- Charles H.
Duell, Commissioner, US
Office of Patents, 1899.
"The super computer is technologically
impossible. It would take all of the
water that flows over Niagara Falls
to cool the heat generated by the number
of vacuum tubes required." -- Professor of Electrical
Engineering, New York
"I don't know what use any one could
find for a machine that would make
copies of documents. It certainly
couldn't be a feasible business by
itself." -- the head of IBM,
refusing to back the idea, forcing
the inventor to found
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is
ridiculous fiction." -- Pierre
Pachet, Professor of
Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the
brain will forever be shut from the
intrusion of the wise and humane
surgeon," -- Sir John Eric
Ericksen, British surgeon,
Extraordinary to Queen
And last but not least...
"There is no reason anyone would
want a computer in their home." --
Ken Olson, president, chairman
and founder of Digital
Equipment Corp., 1977.