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Daily Chuckle May 10th, 2007
Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

Murphy's Lesser-Known Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Those Crazy Norwegians

Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Duluth. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere." says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pays for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Two Harbors. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,"Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

VAIT! Dere's MORE!

Moments later Knute who's been to the pet shop too, arrives at the cliffs. He walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag and a shotgun.

"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot and continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Ole shakes his head and says,"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

BUT VAIT! Dere's MORE, you betcha!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag and pulls out a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down and hits a rock and lays there lifeless. Once more

Ole shakes his head...."First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knute parrotshooting.,.and now Lars hengliding....."

Gems of Wisdom. . . . .

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Is it me--or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

A Cowboy’s Viewpoint of Reincarnation
by Wallace McRea

"What does Reincarnation mean?" A cowpoke asked his friend.

His pal replied, "It happens when Yer life has reached its end. They comb yer hair, and warsh yer neck, And clean yer fingernails, And lay you in a padded box Away from life's travails."

"The box and you goes in a hole, That's been dug into the ground. Reincarnation starts in when Yore planted 'neath a mound. Them clods melt down, just like yer box,
And you who is inside. And then yore just beginnin' on Yer transformation ride."

"In a while, the grass'll grow Upon yer rendered mound. Till some day on yer moldered grave A lonely flower is found. And say a hoss should wander by And graze upon this flower That once wuz you, but now's become Yer vegetative bower."

"The posy that the hoss done ate Up, with his other feed, Makes bone, and fat, and muscle Essential to the steed, But some is left that he can't use And so it passes through, And finally lays upon the ground This thing, that once wuz you."

"Then say, by chance, I wanders by And sees this upon the ground And I ponders, and I wonders at, This object that I found. I thinks of reincarnation, Of life and death, and such, And come away concludin': 'Slim, You ain't changed, all that much."

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark

One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always anadvantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

A Warning to All Coin Collectors

Hang on to any of the new Oklahoma Quarters. If you have them; they may be worth much more than 25 cents!

The U.S. Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Oklahoma quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, tollbooths, vending machines, pay phones, or any other coin operated device.
The problem lies in the unique design of the Oklahoma quarter, which was designed by a team of Sooners. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the machines.

 

 

 

 


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