Serving  North San Diego County

Serving
North San Diego County

The Paper - Escondido San Marcos North County 
Cover Story
Special Feature
Daily Chuckle
Local News
Social Butterfly
Kaufman’s Korner
Cartoons
Professional Advice
.....Your Body Can
..... Heal Itself!
.....Reverse Mortgages
.....The Computer
.....Buzz
Review
Advertisers/Classifieds
Where to find
The Paper
Archive
Marketing/Media Kit
Contact Us
Search the site

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Daily Chuckle February 1st, 2007
Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can be implanted and play music inside women's breasts. The music is in stereo.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them.

I bought a new Lexus 350 and returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Watch this!", he said, "Nelson"!

The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" He continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!" and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them.

I yelled, "JERKS!"

Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

I LOVE this car!
•••••
The latest telephone poll taken by the office of the Governor of California asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

A) 35% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

B) 65% of respondents answered: "No es una problema serio."
•••••
A very genteel Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge she noticed a young man fixen {ready} to jump.

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."

He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''

''Well, then," she said as she drove away, "you just go ahead and jump, you dumb Yankee!"
•••••
Memo to Pets:

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Amen . . . we sure do love our pets.
•••••
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said.

"We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
•••••
The reason congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
•••••
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should get used to the idea.

The Robot and IQ

A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel. As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait. And I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, if you please."

Intrigued, the man said, "OK."

The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?

"The man answered, "Oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, Interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc . .

The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, but thought he would try a different tack.

The robot again asked "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned.

Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out, " Uh . . . 'bout 50."

The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g to n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"

 

 

 

 

New Page 4