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Daily Chuckle January 11th, 2007
Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

25 Signs You Have Grown Up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10 . You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next
door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh hell, what the hell happened?"

Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do.

•••••

The following biblical "interpretations" were actual answers from students compiled by Richard Lederer. They appeared in the December 31, 1995, edition of "National Review" magazine. It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world:

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came onto in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The first Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultry. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklestines, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone." It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession, a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which was another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wive. This is called monotony. The Bible preaches against polygamy, because it says that no man can serve two masters.

•••••

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Lincoln, Nebraska, for $200.00.

They bought the cow from Nebraska and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Nebraska?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Nebraska?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,"My wife is from Nebraska."

•••••

A Texas country boy sees a sign in a restaurant which reads:

"Happy Hour Special: Lobster Tail & Beer"

"Lord Almighty!" he says to himself...."My three favorite things."

Oxymoron's

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2 Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15 Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21 Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you
know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead
tree and eat candy out of your socks.

Nursing home vs Holiday Inn

With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old & feeble.

I have ascertained that I can get a nice room at the Holiday Inn for around $65.00...that leaves $123.00 a day for beer, food (room service), laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. They have a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

Super 8 is somewhat more economical and they have a free breakfast, though you usually have to walk next door for lunch and dinner.

There may be a bit of a wait to get that first floor room, but that's OK, it takes months to get into decent nursing homes. There is the Senior Bus, the Handicap bus (if you fake a decent limp), a Church bus or van, cabs, and even a regular bus.

For a change of lunch take the Airport Bus and eat at one of the fast food cafe's there.

The Inn has security, and if someone sees you drop over, they will call an ambulance. And should you break a hip, the American Way is to sue.

What more can you ask for?

As a bonus, they all have AARP and other Senior discounts.

So: When I reach the Golden age help me keep my grin
Just check my old rickety butt into the nearest Holiday Inn!

Bumper Snickers for Seniors

Retirement: Twice as much husband, half as much money.

Any day above ground is a good one.

Experience is a wonderful thing; it enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

At my age, flowers scare me.

I’m so old whenever that when I eat out they ask for money up front.

I’m so old all my friends in heaven will think I didn’t make it.

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the more you live.

It ain’t the age; it’s the darn mileage.

Support Bingo; keep grandma off the streets.

When did my wild oats turn to prunes and bran?

My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.

JUST MARRIED! (For 55 years).

 

 

 

 


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