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Daily Chuckle December 14, 2006
Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle

This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!

Pun's Up!

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
•••••
Tony was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with him. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Tony's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The preacher lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper and Tony used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Tony died. He said," You know, Tony handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Tony, I'm sure it's a wonderful message."

He opened the note, and read, "Get off my oxygen tube!"
•••••
Id quod circumiret, circumveniat
(what goes around, comes around)

Die dulce fruere
(have a nice day)

Id imperfectum manet dum confectum erit
(it ain't over till it's over)

In carcerebus denuo adsumus
(we're back to square one)

Modo vincus, modo vinceris
(win some, lose some)

Cum tractu traducto
(it comes with the territory)

In rivi fimi sine remo sum
(I'm up the creek without a paddle)

Nulla mensa sine impensa
(there's no free lunch)

Lege Atque Lacrima
(read 'em and weep)

Quid sentis de undequinquagintis
(how about those 49ers)

Fac ut gaudeam
(make my day)

Re vera cara mea, mea nil refert
(frankly my dear,I don't give a damn)

Da mihi habenas
(give me a break)

Sic friatur crustum dulce
(that's how the cookie crumbles)

Caesar si viveret, ad remem dareris
(if Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar)

Certe Toto, sentio nos in Kansate non iam adesse
(you know, Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore)

Credo nonnullos hic mortus esse
(I think several of the people here are dead)

Utinam logica falsa tuam philisophiam totam suffodiant
(may faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy)

Hodie adsit, cras absit
(here today, gone tomorrow)

Fors fortis
(fat chance)

Noli Perturbare
(do not disturb)

Noli intrare
(keep out)

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere
(if it aint broke, don't fix it)

Denarias hic sistit
(the buck stops here)

Quid fit
(what's happening)

In tabulario donationem feci
(I gave at the office)

Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant
(may barbarians invade your personal space)

Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant
(may conspirators assassinate you in the mall)

And finally:

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur
(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)

The Ages:

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE ...
AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 bourbon
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Maalox

AGE SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancée is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.

AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

AGE IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 "Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas."

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to colour my hair
48 Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 Need to have Francois colour my wig

AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66

AGE IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast

Top 46 OXYMORONS:

46. Act naturally
45. Found missing
44. Resident alien
43. Advanced BASIC
42. Genuine imitation
41. Airline food
40. Good grief
39. Same difference
38. Almost exactly
37. Government organization
36. Sanitary landfill
35. Alone together
34. Legally drunk
33. Silent scream
32. American history
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Military Intelligence
26. Software documentation
25. New York culture
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
09. Political science
08. Tight slacks
07. Definite maybe
06. Pretty ugly
05. Twelve-ounce pound cake
04. Diet ice cream
03. Working vacation
02. Exact estimate

A n d t h e NUMBER ONE, t o p O XY-M o r o n:

01. Microsoft Works

Oh, God!

The account of creation in the book of Genesis is so familiar and so entrenched in our cultural heritage that many accept as actual historic fact the assertion that Woman was created from one of Adam's ribs.

Last week, at a dig in the escarpments along the western shore of the Dead Sea, archeologists have uncovered ancient, original texts that predate these writings by 1,300 years. Translated, their account of life's beginnings on earth are much more scientifically plausible ...

"... and God created Woman, giving her three breasts to suckle her young. And God spoke, saying to her, "I have created thee as I see fit. Is there anything about thee that thou would prefer differently?"

And Woman spoke, saying, "Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters. I need but two breasts."And God said, "Thou speak wisely, as I have created thee with wisdom........" There was a crack of lightning and a lingering odor of ozone, and it was done, and Woman stood holding her third breast in her hand.

"Now just what am I going to do with this useless boob?" woman exclaimed.

And so it was, God created Man."

Subject: Always give 100% at work............

12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays
•••••
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this?

"Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

At The End Of it All . . . .

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.


In a London, England, cemetery:

Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767


In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.


Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.


Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.


In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.


A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.


Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:

I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.


Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona, in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:

Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.


In a Georgia cemetery:

"I told you I was sick!"

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.


On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:

She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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