Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||November 2, 2006|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
Facts That I Live By
A careful study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
A perfectionist is one who takes great pains, and gives them to everyone else.
A picture may be worth a thousand words but it uses up a thousand times more memory.
Accomplishing the impossible only means the boss will add it to your regular duties.
Character is like a fence - it cannot be strengthened by whitewash.
Grandma's advice: Do your best and leave the rest.
In the 60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
No one should live by the early bird policy without finding out whether he classifies as a bird or a worm.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
The measure of a man's intelligence is inversely proportional to the amount of time he keeps his mouth open.
The trouble with staying at home is you never find out just how good it is to get back.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Usually, that individual is crazy.
--While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
--Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
--Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
--Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
--When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
--If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.
--Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
Entertaining In Your Home
--A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
--Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
--Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the
injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
--If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to
leave them alone for a few minutes.
Dating (Outside the Family)
--Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
--No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.
--Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
--Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.
--If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
--Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for
--Always allow your date first pick of any roadkill you run across.
--Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
--Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.
--Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
--Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
--When dancing, never remove undergarments; no matter how hot it is.
--Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
--A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost-effective,
but also a proven fly deterrent.
--For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
--Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
--When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.
--Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
--When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
--Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
--Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can
--Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Tips For All Occasions
--Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
--Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
--Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
--It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
--Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
--The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
--If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
--Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
The Bathtub Test
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
(Did you pass, or do you want the bed next to mine?)
Marriage In Florida:
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry
A sobriety-challenged person goes to a doctor and demands the full battery of tests for why he feels so crappy every morning. The doctor runs every test known to medical science, and finally tells the guy,"Sorry, but I can't find anything wrong with you. It must be the drinking."
"Aw, tha's all right, doc, try again tomorrow when you're sober."
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more Butter.
Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use
the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."