Give Us This Day Our Daily Chuckle
||October 26th, 2006|
This week, a
compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too," she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said . . .
"I would have gotten out today."
This elderly man was at home, dying in bed.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
"Why did you do that?" he whispered.
"They're for the funeral" she replied.
"When I go, I want it to be just the same way my grandfather did ... totally asleep and not screaming and crying the way his passengers did."
Great New Country Songs
"Here's a Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares."
"How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?"
"How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?"
"I Been Roped and Throwed by Jesus in the Holy Ghost Corral."
"I Can't Love Your Body if Your Heart's Not In It"
"I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling."
"I Fell In A Pile Of You, And Got Love All Over Me"
"I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart."
"I Meant Every Word That He Said"
"I Wanna Whip Your Cow"
"I Would Have Writ You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yecch!"
"I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win"
"I'd Rather Have a Bottle in Front of Me than a Frontal Lobotomy."
"I'll Get Over You, as Soon as You Get Out From Under Him"
"I'm Gonna Hire a Wino to Decorate our Home."
"I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield of Life."
"I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here"
"I've Got Four On the Floor and a Fifth Under The Seat"
"If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You"
"If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?"
"If It's Got To Be Later, How 'Bout Later Tonight?"
"If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low"
"If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will"
"It Takes Me All Night Long To Do, What I Used To Do, All Night Long"
"Learning to Live Again is Killing Me."
"May The Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose"
"My Every Day Silver Is Plastic"
"My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love Jesus"
"My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him"
"Oh, I've Got Hair Oil on My Ears, and My Glasses are Slipping Down, but Baby I Can See Through You."
"Oh, Lord! It's Hard to be Humble When You're Perfect in Every Way"
"Please Bypass This Heart"
"She Got the Gold Mine, and I Got the Shaft"
"She Got the Ring, I Got the Finger."
"She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty"
"She's Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without."
"Swing Wide Your Gate of Love"
"Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone"
"They May Put me in Prison, but They Can't Stop My Face from Breakin' Out."
"When the Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know it's me."
"You Can't Deal Me All the Aces and Expect Me Not to Play."
"You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat."
"You're Ruining my Bad Reputation."
"You're The Reason Our Baby's So Ugly"
Wonderful cartoon in the New Yorker years ago. Drunk sitting on couch at big cocktail party. He's talking earnestly to the woman sitting next to him. Caption reads: But I AM your wife and I DO understand you.
Doubtless you've heard of the prudish amputee Goody One Shoe.
Copywight 2006 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved. Hehehe
A Willowdale, Oregon ordinance forbids profanity during sex.
Are electronic buggers ohmosexual?
Aural sex produces eargasms.
God created sex. Priests created marriage. (Voltaire)
If you can't give up sex, get married and taper off.
Rural safe sex: painting an "X" on those cows that kick.
The Lord's Prayer = 66 words
The Gettysburg Address = 286 words
The Declaration of Independence = 1,322 words
US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage = 26,911 words
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. -- Steven
Once the bugs are ironed out, we'll have lotsa flat bugs
My foot's asleep; wonder what it's dreaming about?
There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
Angry cellist = Yo Ma Ma
A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill
Aliens zapped him with stupidity ray -- twice.
Born a day late and like that ever since.
Born ugly and built to last.
Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain't got no cattle.
Goalie for the dart team.
A doughnut short of being a cop.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
Useful as a football bat.
Actual Bumper Stickers
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from
Forget about World Peace . . . Visualize Using Your Turn Signal
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie'... till you can find a rock.
Drunk staggering down the street when around the corner comes a nun. He lays her out with one punch, then sneers: "Yer not so tough now, are ya, Batman?"
In keeping with the proper spirit of the upcoming season, you'll be happy to know I've made substantial donations in your name to the Salvation Navy and the widow of the Unknown Soldier.
True dignity: Remaining aloof during a prostate exam.