found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he
decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he
had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but
in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million
the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his
stepmother. Women are so much smarter than men...
working at the fish plant up north in Duluth when he
accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers.
He went to
the emergency room in the Clinic and when he got there the Norsky
doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da
fingers and I'll see what I can do."
"I haven't got da fingers."
do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?" he
said. "Lord - it's
2006! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible
techniques. I coulda put dem
back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring da
Ole says . . . "How da heck was I suppose to
pick dem up?
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to
be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, and a compass. At a morning press
conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a
member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is
being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Al-Gebra is a
fearsome cult," Gonzalez said. "They desire average solutions by
means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute
value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as
'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the
axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used
to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest,
President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math
instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes"
session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her husband: "That's not true !
I do so enjoy sex !"
turning to the counselor, she explained:
"But this animal expects it four or five times a year
I took my
daughter to the doctor for her 2-year-old check. They had her do coordination
tests, like stacking blocks, and they watch and see if they walk properly. And then the doctor said, "Allison, can
you stand on one foot for me?" And she walked over and stood on his foot.
Our parish priest was making a visit to
my nephew's home. He knocked on the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went to
the door and saw the priest. He called
to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!"
husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into
the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned
him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."
explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with
removing the snakes.
got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually
call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to
said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"