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Daily Chuckle March 23, 2006


This week, a compendium of wit, wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties.  Enjoy!

 

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it wit

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

 

So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

 

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

 

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much smarter than men...

 

•••••

 

Ole was working at the fish plant up north in Duluth when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers.

 

He went to the emergency room in the Clinic and when he got there the Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do."

 

Ole said, "I haven't got da fingers."

 

"What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?" he said.  "Lord - it's 2006!  We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I coulda put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring da fingers?"

 

To which Ole says . . . "How da heck was I suppose to pick dem up?

 

•••••

 

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, and a compass. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

 

Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzalez said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

 

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

 

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes"

 

•••••

 

At a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her husband:  "That's not true ! I do so enjoy sex !"

 

Then, turning to the counselor, she explained:   "But this animal expects it four or five times a year !"

 

•••••

 

I took my daughter to the doctor for her 2-year-old check. They had her do coordination tests, like stacking blocks, and they watch and see if they walk properly.  And then the doctor said, "Allison, can you stand on one foot for me?" And she walked over and stood on his foot.

 

•••••

 

Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home. He knocked on the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went to the door and saw the priest.  He called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!"

 

•••••

 

Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."

 

The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

 

"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"

 

"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"

 

 

 

 

 

 


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