A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to
each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services.
The following Sabbath the church was
all but empty.
Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice
in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was
everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial.
The funeral would be held the following
Sabbath afternoon, the notice said.
number of the congregation turned out the following Sunday. In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed
coffin, smothered in flowers.
Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation
to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.
curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a
"dead church," all the people eagerly lined up to look
"mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a
guilty, sheepish look.
coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror!
The Middle Wife
I've been teaching now for about
fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the
one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved
show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them
get over shyness and usually, show- and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet
turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I
never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it
in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica,
a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of
the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of
"This is Luke, my baby brother,
and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a
symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke
grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
[She's standing there with her hands on
the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.
The kids are watching her in amazement.]
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my
Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh, oh!'" [Erica puts a hand behind
her back and groans.] "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh,
[Now this kid is doing a hysterical
duck walk and groaning.] "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers
babies, but she doesn' t have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got
my Mom to lie down in bed like this."
[Then Erica lies down with her back
against the wall.]
"And then, pop! My Mom had this
bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and
spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"
[This kid has her
legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It
was too much!]
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.'
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out
comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they
all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside
[Then Erica stood up, took a big
theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever
since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case
another Erica comes along.