Saturday morning I
got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the
dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow
mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad
throughout the day.
I went back into
the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to
my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The
weather out there is terrible."
replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that
The Wild One
A young blonde
woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or
prior experience. She mounts the horse,
unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along
at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In
terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip. She tries
to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the
horse anyway! The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping
rider. Finally, losing her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from
the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes
entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding
hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over and over. As her
head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments away from
unconsciousness, to her great fortune, Frank, the WalMart
greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
The Norwegian Cowboy
Back in cowboy
times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had
been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an old
Norwegian sitting beneath a tree.
some place ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell, I tink so," the old
man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und
down de udder side. Somevun tole
me you'd run into a big bacon tree."
tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."
The leader goes
back and tells his people what the Norwegian said.
"So why did
he say not to go there," a person asked. Other pioneers said, "Oh,
you know those Norwegian people - they lie just for a joke."
So the wagon train
goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from
everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get
back to the old Norwegian.
Near dead, the man
shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but
there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but
The old Norwegian man holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute." He quickly picks up an
English-Norwegian dictionary and begins thumbing through it.
"Oof-da, I made such ah big mishtake!
It vuzn't a bacon tree,
"it vuz a ham bush."