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Daily Chuckle January 26, 2006


This week, a compendium of wit, wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties.  Enjoy!

 

Always try to be modest

Always try to be modest.

And be damn proud of it!

 

A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down from one of his fields. Realizing the danger, he shouted over to the man, "Paid a yfed y dwr!   Mae'n ych-y-fi!" (Don't drink the water. It's poisoned!)

 

The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.

 

Realizing the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer  moved closer and again yelled, "Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi!  Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!"(Don't drink. Water's poisoned. Sheep manure in the water.)

Still the man couldn't hear the farmer.

 

Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and

once again said, "Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid a'i yfed!" (Water's poisoned. Don't drink it!)

 

"I'm dreadfully sorry, my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said. Can't you speak English?" said the man at the stream in an extremely fine British accent.

 

"Oh I see..." said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both

hands you can get much more each time."

 

To All The Girls We’ve Loved Before

 

Brigette Bardot 71

Stella Stevens 68

Sophia Loren 71

Gina Lollobrigida 78

Deborah Kerr 94

Lena Horne 88

Kay Starr 83

Patti Page 78

Annette Funicello 63

Barbara Eden 71

Angie Dickenson 74

Doris Day 81

Joan Collins 72

Julie Christie 64

Leslie Caron 74

Carroll Baker 74

Ann-Margret 64

Debra Padget 72

Julie Andrews 70

Ursula Andress 69

Rita Moreno 74

Jean Simmons 76

Julie Newmar 72

Kim Novak 72

Jane Powell 76

Debbie Reynolds 73

Shirley Temple 77

Jane Russell 84

Kathryn Grayson 83

Esther Williams 82

Elke Sommer 65

Gale Storm 83

Jill St. John 65

Liz Taylor 73

Mamie Van Doren 74

 

Unbelievable!

 

How in the world did they get old and we didn’t?

 

Because I am a Man . . .

 

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.

 

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."

 

We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.

 

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

 

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

 

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it . . . though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator . . . (applies to engineers mainly).

 

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I' m thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

 

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

 

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't ... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards ... then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

 

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

 

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest ... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

 

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men. Good luck !

 

 

 

 

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