1. Put on your
glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed
2. Set timer for 2 minutes, in case you doze
off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial
before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case
you can't remember.
6 Keep extra polygrip
close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually
complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors
are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with
the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
When a woman wears
leather clothing . . . a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he
goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
smells like a new truck.
Heaven and Hell
I was shocked, confused,
as I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
by the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
who made me sputter and gasp--
the thieves, the liars, the sinners,
the alcoholics, the trash.
There stood the kid from
who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old
who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought
was rotting away in hell,
was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, "What's
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up
God must've made a mistake.
And why's everyone so quiet,
so somber? Give me a clue."
"Hush child," said
He. "They're all in shock.
No one thought they'd see
woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked
her, "What did you steal?"
"A can of peaches."
The judge asked
her why she had stolen them and she told him that she was hungry. The judge
then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
To which she
The judge then
said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." But, before the judge could actually
pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he
could say something.
The Judge asked,
"What is it?"
The husband said,
"She also stole a can of peas."
I've got a friend
who loves to fish. He was sitting in his
boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see any one.
He thought he was
dreaming when he heard the
voice say again, "Pick me
He looked in the
water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you
talking to me?"
said, "Yes, I'm talking to
you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and
I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that
you ever could have dreamed of."
looked at the frog for a short time, reached over,
picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual
pleasures like you have never had."
his pocket, looked
at the frog and said, "Nah,
at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
The Observant Elephant
is walking through the jungle when he comes across a naked man standing in a
elephant slowly looks the man up and down and says, “How the hell do ya feed yourself with that?"
Randy “Duke” Cunningham