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Daily Chuckle January 19, 2006


This week, a compendium of wit, wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties.  Enjoy!

 

Lovemaking Tips

Lovemaking Tips

for Seniors

 

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

  2. Set timer for 2 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

  3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

  4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

  5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

  6 Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

  7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

  8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

  9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

  10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

 

Sex Appeal

 

When a woman wears leather clothing . . . a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.

 

Ever wonder why?

 

Because she smells like a new truck.

 

Heaven and Hell

 

I was shocked, confused, bewildered

as I entered Heaven's door,

Not by the beauty of it all,

by the lights or its decor.

 

But it was the folks in Heaven

who made me sputter and gasp--

the thieves, the liars, the sinners,

the alcoholics, the trash.

 

There stood the kid from seventh grade

who swiped my lunch money twice.

Next to him was my old neighbor

who never said anything nice.

 

Herb, who I always thought

was rotting away in hell,

was sitting pretty on cloud nine,

looking incredibly well.

 

I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal?

I would love to hear Your take.

How'd all these sinners get up here?

God must've made a mistake.

 

And why's everyone so quiet,

so somber? Give me a clue."

"Hush child," said He. "They're all in shock.

No one thought they'd see you."

 

Shoplifting

 

An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" 

 

She replied: "A can of peaches." 

 

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she told him that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. 

 

To which she replied, "Six." 

 

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."  But, before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. 

 

The Judge asked, "What is it?" 

 

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

 

Leisure Time

 

I've got a friend who loves to fish.  He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."  He looked around and couldn't see any one. 

 

He thought  he was dreaming when he  heard  the  voice  say again, "Pick me up." 

 

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

 

The  frog  said,  "Yes, I'm talking to you.  Pick me up.

 

Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you  have ever seen.  I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of." 

 

The  man  looked  at  the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.            

 

Then  the  frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you  hear what I said?  I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."

 

 He  opened  his  pocket,  looked  at the frog and said,  "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

 

The Observant Elephant

 

An elephant is walking through the jungle when he comes across a naked man standing in a clearing.

 

The elephant slowly looks the man up and down and says, “How the hell do ya feed yourself with that?"

.

Speaking of
Randy “Duke” Cunningham

 

 

 

 

 


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