The Changing Times

 

1975: KEG

2005: EKG

 

1975: Acid rock

2005: Acid reflux

 

1975: Moving to California      because it's cool

2005: Moving to California because it's warm

 

1975: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

2005: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

 

1975: Seeds and stems

2005: Roughage

 

1975: Hoping for a BMW

2005: Hoping for a BM

 

1975: The Grateful Dead

2005: Dr. Kevorkian

 

1975: Going to a new, hip joint

2005: Receiving a new hip joint

 

1975: Rolling Stones

2005: Kidney Stones

 

1975: Screw the system

2005: Upgrade the system

 

1975: Disco

2005: Costco

 

1975: Passing the drivers' test

2005: Passing the vision test

 

1975: Whatever

2005: Depends

 

Just in case you weren't feeling old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit   College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

 

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

 

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

 

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

 

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

 

They have always had an answering machine.

 

They have always had cable.

 

The only spam they know about comes via email - not in a can!

 

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

 

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

 

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

 

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

 

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel" or "de plane Boss, de plane."

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R.
even is.

 

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

 

 You don't even have to be in publishing to laugh out loud at these Bloopers:

 

Paula LaRocque, a former Dallas Morning News writing coach and author of two books on writing, penned a column for the Dallas Morning News that collects some of her favorite newspaper corrections. She leads with this gem:

 

Some years ago, for example, CNN corrected what it called a "typo." One of its headlines had reported that the chairman of the Federal Reserve Board, Alan Greenspan, had been hospitalized because of an "enlarged prostitute." CNN said that of course it had meant "prostate." Mr. Greenspan's wife, NBC News correspondent Andrea Mitchell, quipped regarding that "typo": "He should be so lucky."

 

Some of her other selections:

 

"In last week's issue of Community Life, a picture caption listed some unusual gourmet dishes that were enjoyed at a Westwood Library party for students enrolled in a tutorial program for conversational English. Mai Thai Finn is one of the students in the program and was in the center of the photo. We incorrectly listed her name as one of the items on the menu. Community Life regrets the error."

 

"The title of the book that was to be reviewed at Sunday's meeting of the Unitarian fellowship was incorrectly reported on the church page of Saturday's Eagle as How to Say No to a Baptist and Survive. The title should have been How to Say No to a Rapist and Survive."

 

And a Massachusetts newspaper correction explained: "Due to a typing error, Gov. Dukakis was incorrectly identified in the third paragraph as Mike Tyson."  

 

 

 

1. Jesse Jackson and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive   new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

 

  2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

 

  3. The difference between the Pope and your boss . . . the Pope only   expects you to kiss his ring.

 

  4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

 

  5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in  the bathroom.

 

  6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the  drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

  7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,  there's shipping and handling, too.

 

  8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the  impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

 

  9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a

large  trash can

 

  10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me

off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

 

  11. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was   and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies  could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will?

What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

 

  12. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

 

 

 

Great, and some Not So Great, Lessons We Have Learned

 

Personally I am always ready to learn, but I do not always like being taught. - Winston Churchill

 

"The terrifying power of the human sex drive is horrifically demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you."

 

"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it."  --Sam Levenson

 

"A Dummies' Guide"

 

Don't throw a brick straight up.

 

Don't take long naps while driving.

 

Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.

 

Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.

 

When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's

sufficiently hot.

 

If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.

No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.

 

When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.

 

Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.

 

When you find a prize in a box of " Crackerjacks " there is no need to report it on your income tax return.

 

One + one = two. Try to remember that.

 

Don't count the peas in a can. It is not an exact science.

 

For faster elevator service press the elevator button many times.

 

April 1st is Your special high holy day.

•••••

Seen in a John Deere sales office: The only machine we don't stand behind is our manure spreader.

•••••

"Wild horses couldn't drag a secret out of a woman. However, women seldom have lunch with wild horses." --Ivern Boyett

•••••

The Japanese have invented a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.