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Daily Chuckle December 23, 2004


This week, a compendium of wit, wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties.  Enjoy!

 

At first I thought it was love, then I thought it was money

At first I thought it was love, then I thought it was money ... but now that I'm old, I realize that prune juice is the key to happiness.

 

Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

 

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

 

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

 

If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

 

Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder that brides often blush.

 

On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past ... but never the  present.

 

A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work.

 

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.

 

Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make beds, and is in good health ... and he's already used to taking orders.

 

Grandpappy and his wife were discussin' their 50th wedding anniversary when she said, "Shall I kill a chicken tonight?" "Naw, said Grandpappy, "Why blame a bird for something' that happened 50 years ago?"

 

If Jesus was Jewish, why does he have a Mexican name?

 

I read a survey the other day. It said that the 'successful woman' was one who made $38,500 per year. One of the questions on the survey was "how many times do you like to have sex?" The most popular answer was 2 times a day.

 

Two times a day? That's two times, seven days a week, 356 days a year. That's 738 times a year. You show me a woman who has sex 738 times a year, and I'll show you a woman who makes a lot more than thirty-eight five.

 

Temper is one thing you can't get rid of by losing it.

 

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

 

 

Fun things to do in Church

 

Put stray dogs in coat closets.

 

Un-tune the piano.

 

Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".

 

Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.

 

Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"

 

Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.

 

Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"

 

Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.

 

Start a wave.

 

Do cool things with the lighting.

Make up your own words to the songs.

 

Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "HEY. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.

 

Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.

 

Dress all in camo.

 

If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a

floral-print dress instead.

 

At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.

 

Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.

 

Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.

 

Inflate balloons, then send them off.

 

Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.

Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.

 

Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.

 

Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.

 

Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.

 

Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.

 

When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.

 

Blow bubbles.

 

Ask where the nearest ashtray is.

 

Drool in the collection plate.

 

Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.

Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!"

•••••

Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?

•••••

A neighbor once told me, "You might as well be happy, no one cares if you ain't."

•••••

 

You Know You’re Getting “Marvelously Mature” when . . .

 

You and your teeth don't sleep together.

You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

You wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

When happy hour is a nap.

When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does . . .

When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up. 

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.