At first I
thought it was love, then I thought it was money ...
but now that I'm old, I realize that prune juice is the key to happiness.
man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of
chick he marries.
marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin'
his salt that he forgets his sugar.
couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.
When a man
marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts when they try to
decide which one.
If a man
has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she
will never be an old nag.
Judgin' from the
specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder that brides often blush.
anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past ... but never the present.
husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin',
ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna
of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.
like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make beds, and is in good
health ... and he's already used to taking orders.
Grandpappy and his wife were
discussin' their 50th wedding anniversary when she
said, "Shall I kill a chicken tonight?" "Naw,
said Grandpappy, "Why blame a bird for
something' that happened 50 years ago?"
was Jewish, why does he have a Mexican name?
I read a
survey the other day. It said that the 'successful woman' was one who made
$38,500 per year. One of the questions on the survey was "how many times
do you like to have sex?" The most popular answer was 2 times a day.
Two times a
day? That's two times, seven days a week, 356 days a year. That's 738 times a
year. You show me a woman who has sex 738 times a year, and I'll show you a
woman who makes a lot more than thirty-eight five.
one thing you can't get rid of by losing it.
live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Fun things to do in Church
dogs in coat closets.
pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"
a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.
before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him
to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"
of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
things with the lighting.
your own words to the songs.
minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "HEY.
This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.
Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.
If it is an
Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are
male, wear a
floral-print dress instead.
At a church
dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an
image of Jesus.
blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.
the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire
and brimstone", throw it in.
balloons, then send them off.
in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.
Turn in the
Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write
exceptions at the bottom of the page.
sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.
communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.
pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's
the nearest ashtray is.
the collection plate.
what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians.
After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!"
Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?
A neighbor once told me, "You
might as well be happy, no one cares if you ain't."
You Know You’re Getting
“Marvelously Mature” when . . .
You and your teeth don't sleep
You try to straighten out the wrinkles
in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
At the breakfast table you hear snap,
crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
You wake up looking like your driver's
It takes two tries to get up from the
When your idea of a night out
is sitting on the patio.
When happy hour is a nap.
When you're on vacation and your energy
runs out before your money does . . .
When all you want for your birthday is
to not be reminded of your age.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing
It takes longer to rest than it did to
Your address book has mostly names that
start with Dr.
The pharmacist has become your new best
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt
- doesn't work.
You look for your glasses for half an
hour and they were on your head the whole time.
You sink your teeth into a steak - and
they stay there.
You wonder how you could be over the
hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.