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Daily Chuckle December 9, 2004


This week, a compendium of wit, wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties.  Enjoy!

 

Nine Dog Peeves About Humans

Nine Dog Peeves About Humans

 

 1. Yelling at me for barking.  I'M A DOG, YOU IDIOT!

 

 2. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly  whose walk is this anyway?

 

 3. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it!

 

 4. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.  Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

 

 5. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.  You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo, what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

 

 6. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

 

 7. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.  Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

 

 8. Dog sweaters.  Hello?  Haven't you noticed the fur?

 

 9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself.  Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

 

Something just for fun . . .

 

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question.  You have to answer them instantly.  You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.  OK?

 

Let's find out just how clever you really are.

Ready?  GO! 

 

First Question:

 

You are participating in a race.  You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

 

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

 

Try not to screw up in the next question.  To answer the second

question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question:

 

If you overtake the last person, then you are ... ?

 

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again.  Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?

 

You're not very good at this!  Are you?

 

Third Question:

Very tricky math!  Note: This must be done in your head only.  Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.  Try it.

 

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.  Now add another 1000.  Now add 30.  Add another 1000.  Now add 20.  Now add another 1000.  Now add 10.  What is the total?

 

Did you get 5000?

 

The correct answer is actually 4100.  Don't believe it?  Check with your calculator!  Today is definitely not your day.  Maybe you will get the last question right?

 

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1.  Nana, 2.  Nene, 3.  Nini, 4.  Nono.

What is the name of the fifth daughter?

 

Answer: Nunu?

 

NO!  Of course not.  Her name is Mary.  Read the question again.

 

Okay, now the bonus round:

 

There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush.  By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.  Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

 

Remind me to not give you too many more tests!

 

Signs That You’ve Had Too Much Holiday Cheer

 

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

 

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

 

You fall off the floor...

 

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

 

I'm as jober as a sudge.

 

New Wine Being Offered

 

California vintners in the Napa Valley area that primarily produce Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night. 

 

They will be marketing the new wine as Pinot More.