This week, a compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally
some conversations that airline passengers normally
will never hear.The following are allegedly accounts of
actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.
"Delta 351, you have traffic at , 6 miles!"
"Give us another hint!We have
2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
we are at 35,000 feet.How much noise
can we make up here?"
have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,
was your last known position?"
"When I was number one for take-off."
A DC-10 had
come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching
San JoseTower Noted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the
runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off
Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to
story about the military pilot calling for a priority
landing because his
single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Control told the fighter jock that he was number
two behind a B~52
that had one engine shut down.
the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight
attendant, "What exactly, was the problem?"
pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the
flight attendant."It took us a
while to find a new
A Pan Am
727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
(in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
(in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak
voice from another plane (in a beautiful British
accent):"Because you lost the bloody war."
"Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency
702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we
lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
"Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind
Eastern 702. Contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report
635: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off,
and yes, we copied
Eastern .. we've already notified our caterers."
One day the
pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active
runway while a DC-8 landed.The DC~8
landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
quick-witted comedian in the DC~8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a
cute little plane.Did you make it all
Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real
zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll
have enough parts for another one."
redneck, I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are.
We challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam administered by the
University of Alabama Engineering Department:
Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a
2. Which of
these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet, a '67 Chevelle, or a '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your
uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20
gallons of shine produced
per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
woodcutter has a chainsaw that operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine
trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in
size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers
will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
5. If every
old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of
simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front
porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers
with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16
feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how
many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man
owns a Tennessee house and 3.7
acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five
children. Can each of his grown children put a mobile home on the man's land
and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
8. A 2-ton
truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary
road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary
roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
9. A coal
mine operates in a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs
120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd
shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. At a
reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per
generation, how long will it
take a town that has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western
taxiing at London's GatwickAirport, the crew
of a US Air flight departing for Ft.Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An
irate female ground controller lashed out at
the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are
you going?I told you to turn right onto Charlie
taxiway!You turned right on Delta! Stop
right there.I know it's difficult for
you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God!Now you've
up! It'll take
forever to sort this out!You stay right
there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi
instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell
you, when I
tell you, and how I
tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
ma'am,” the humbled crew responded.
the ground control communications frequency fell
terribly silent after the
verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate
ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out
around Gatwick was definitely running high.
an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar
and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a
a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as
my love life."
you look like Abe Lincoln." Protested the barkeep.
right. My last four scores were seven years ago."