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Daily Chuckle November 4, 2004


This week, a compendium of wit, wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties.  Enjoy!

 

Gentle thoughts for today

Gentle thoughts for today...

 

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

 

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself .

 

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

 

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at a tempting moment.

 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 

He who hesitates is probably right.

 

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

 

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

 

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

 

Wisdom from Grandpa  

 

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

 

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar.

 

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

 

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

 

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

 

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past -- but never the present.

 

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin.' No wife of mine is gonna work."

 

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.

 

Many girls like to marry a military man -- he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

 

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

 

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

 

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

 

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth . . . remember about Algebra.

 

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

 

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

 

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

 

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

 

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

 

Work Application

  

This purports to be an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas. They hired him too because he was so honest and funny.

  

NAME: George Martin

  

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right Woman (or at least, one who'll cooperate).

  

DESIRED POSITION:

 

Company's President or Vice   President But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be   applying here in the first place.

  

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible,   make an offer and we can
haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

  

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

  

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

  

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:

 

My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

  

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

  

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

  

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

  

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but  they're better suited to a  more intimate environment.

  

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:

 

If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT

WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

  

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate  question here would be "Do You have a car that runs?"

  

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR

RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House   Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

  

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks -  no.

  

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE  YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde   supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

  

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND

COMPLETE TO THEBEST OF YOURKNOWLEDGE?:

 

Oh Yes, Absolutely.

  

SIGN HERE: Sagittarius