This week, a compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
Gentle thoughts for today
Gentle thoughts for today...
Birds of a feather
flock together and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling
down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his
chain and gag himself .
If you can't be
kind, at least have the decency to be vague. Don't assume malice for what
stupidity can explain.
A penny saved is a
The real art of
conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to
leave unsaid the wrong thing at a tempting moment.
The easiest way to
find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates
is probably right.
If you think there
is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile
when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose
of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Wisdom from Grandpa
Whether a man
winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he
marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin'
his salt, that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples
marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries
a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which
If a man has
enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn
into an old nag.
the wise husband always forgets the past -- but never the present.
A foolish husband
says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin',
ironin', cookin', and scrubbin.' No wife of mine is gonna
The bonds of
matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.
Many girls like to
marry a military man -- he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health,
and he's already used to taking orders.
will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about
The older we get,
the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why"
I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth . . . remember about
you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
One of the
many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from
young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Old age is
when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize
purports to be an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas. They hired him
too because he was so honest and funny.
lately, but I am looking for the right Woman (or at least, one who'll
President or VicePresident But
seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I
wouldn't beapplying here in the first
SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance
package. If that's not possible,make
an offer and we can
POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
LEAVING: It sucked.
AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
HOURS: p m.
Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE
ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, butthey're better suited to amore intimate environment.
CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had
one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY
PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT
WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE
A CAR?: I think the more appropriatequestion here would be "Do You have a
car that runs?"
RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR
RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing
HouseSweepstakes, so they tell me.
SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks -no.
YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVEYEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously
wealthy dumb sexy blondesupermodel who
thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be
doing that now.