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Daily Chuckle September 9, 2004


This week, a compendium of wit, wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties.  Enjoy!

 

Personal Histories

Personal Histories

 

My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day he took me aside and left me there.

 

I'm so old that bartenders check my pulse instead of my ID.

 

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

 

Anyone can get old.  All you have to do is live long enough. (Groucho Marx)

 

There's one advantage to being 102:  no peer pressure.  (Dennis Wolfberg)

Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the estate.

 

What!  You've been keeping records on me?  I wasn't so bad!  How many times did I take the Lord's name in vain?  A million and six?  Jesus Ch----!

 (Steve Martin)

 

It costs me never a stab nor squirm,  To tread by chance upon a worm.

 

A Wealthy Lawyer

 

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

 

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

 

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

 

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

 

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

 

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

 

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

 

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

 

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

 

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

 

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

 

 

WORDS WOMEN USE

 

 

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

 

FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

 

GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

 

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

 

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

 

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

 

 

 

Popular in Scotland.

 

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”

 

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

 

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

 

Female Golfing Terms

 

CADDY -- 2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend herself.

 

CHIPPING -- Time to get our nails done again.

 

DOUBLE BOGIE --"Casablanca" followed by "African Queen."

 

FAIRWAY -- Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.

 

GOOD LIE -- Weight on our driver's license.

GREENS -- Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger.

 

HOLE-IN-ONE-- Time to get new pantyhose.

 

IRON -- What guys need to learn to do to their own shirts.

 

ROUGH -- Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything.

 

SHAFT -- You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.

 

SLICE -- "No thanks. . . just a sliver."

 

TEES -- Putting on that Victoria's Secret Negligee.

 

WATER HAZARD -- Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip.

 

WEDGE -- Bathing suit that's too tight

 

Bumper sticker

of the year :

 

"If you can read this, thank a teacher....

and since it's in English, thank a soldier."

Ways to Maintain a Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

 

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

 

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

 

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

 

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

 

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

 

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

 

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

 

8. Don't use any punctuation.

 

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

 

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

 

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

 

12. Sing along at the opera.

 

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

 

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

 

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

 

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rockhard.

 

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won!, I won!"

 

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"

 

19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."