My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me
advice. One day he took me aside and left me there.
I'm so old that bartenders check my pulse instead of my ID.
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green
Anyone can get old.
All you have to do is live long enough. (Groucho Marx)
There's one advantage to being 102: no peer pressure. (Dennis Wolfberg)
Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the
What! You've been
keeping records on me? I wasn't so
bad! How many times did I take the
Lord's name in vain? A million and
six? Jesus Ch----!
It costs me never a stab nor squirm, To tread by chance upon a worm.
A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two
men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop
and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man
replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll
feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They
are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir,
I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a
car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer
and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love
my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"
WORDS WOMEN USE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five
minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to
watch the game before helping around the house.
This is the calm before the storm. This means
"something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin
with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with
you over "Nothing"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman
can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long
and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just
say you're welcome.
Popular in Scotland.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says:
“That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go
ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Female Golfing Terms
CADDY -- 2 women
talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend herself.
CHIPPING -- Time
to get our nails done again.
--"Casablanca" followed by "African Queen."
Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.
GOOD LIE -- Weight
on our driver's license.
Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger.
Time to get new pantyhose.
What guys need to learn to do to their own shirts.
Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything.
You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.
"No thanks. . . just a sliver."
Putting on that Victoria's Secret Negligee.
HAZARD -- Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip.
Bathing suit that's too tight
you can read this, thank a teacher....
it's in English, thank a soldier."
to Maintain a Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At lunch
time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at
passing cars. See if they slow down.
yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your
garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their
caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the
memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
use any punctuation.
9. As often
as possible, skip rather than walk.
people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
that your drive-through order is "to go."
along at the opera.
13. Go to a
poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're
not in the mood.
your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rockhard.
the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won!, I won!"
leaving the zoo, start running towards the lot, yelling, "Run for your
lives, they're loose!!"
your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to
let one of you go."