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Daily Chuckle September 2, 2004

This week, a compendium of wit, wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties.  Enjoy!


British Humor

British Humor . .

or Humour


I saw Lee Majors the bionic man the other day on the Royal Mile. He looked a million dollars ... he's really let himself go ...

Eddie Bannon at the Gilded Balloon


Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

Adam Bloom at the Pleasance


A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."

Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre


We have our own local version of Big Brother round my way. It's called jail.

Colin Ramone at The Stand


I joined a dating agency and went out on a load of dates that didn't work out. And I went back to the woman who ran the agency and said: "Have you not got somebody on your books who doesn't care about how I look or what job I have and has big boobs?"

And she checked on her computer and said: "Actually, we have one, but unfortunately, it's you."

Karl Spain at the Gilded Balloon


I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms


They sent flowers to the funeral. And I couldn't help thinking, if you'd sent them before, she'd have pulled through her illness.

Reginald D. Hunter at the Pleasance


My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon


Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.

Scott Capurro at the Pleasance


My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre


A quick way to lose weight: subtract your birth weight, because you haven't gained that part.

Carsten Bang, from Danish Comedy, at the Gilded Balloon


My hot water heater's packed up so I had to fill the bath using a kettle and a load of saucepans ... It was very uncomfortable when I got in.

Seymour Mace at Café Royal


An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet.

Ahmed Ahmed at C34


I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"

Norman Lovett at The Stand


It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

Chris Addison at the Pleasance


I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation -- but I'm not very good at it.

Arnold Brown at The Stand


If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

Milton Jones at the Underbelly


I bought my parents a house. Unfortunately it was worse than the one they had before.

Todd Barry at the Assembly Rooms


I don't need Viagra. I need a woman.

Sol Bernstein, as played by Steve Jameson, at the Gilded Balloon



I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"

Arnold Brown at The Stand


The Farmer in the Dell


An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.


One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.  As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.  He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.


One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"


The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." 

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."


Moral:  Age and experience will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.


Nailed It!


Amy, a blond city girl, marries a farmer.  One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today.  I drove a nail into the two-by-four above the cow's stall.  You show him where it is,



So the farmer leaves for the fields, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives.  Amy takes him down the long row of cows until she sees the nail, and tells him, "This is the one.  This one right here!"


Terribly impressed, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"


"By the nail over it's stall," Amy explains.


Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away.


The Perks of Being

Over 50


 1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.


 2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.


 3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.


 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"


 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.


 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.


 7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

 8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.


 9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.


 10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.


 12 You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.


 13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.


 14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.


 15. You sing along with elevator music.


 16. Your eyes won't get much worse.


 17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.


Hymns for The Elders


1. " Just A 'Slower' Walk With Thee"


2. "It Is Well With My Soul",

But My Knees Hurt


3. "Nobody Knows The Trouble I Have . . Seeing.”


4. "Precious Lord, Take My Hand .  .and Help Me Up.”


5. "Count Your Many 'Birthdays' Count Them One By One"


6. "Go Tell It On A Mountain", But Speak Up


 7. "Give Me The Old 'Timers' Religion"


8. "Blessed 'Insurance”


9. "Guide Me O Thou Great Lord God, I’ve Forgotten Where I’ve Parked the Truck”                                               


Working Out


The Doctor told me, I should start an exercise program. Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the following:



Beat around the bush

Jump to conclusions

Climb the walls

Wade through the morning paper



Drag my heels

Push my luck

Make mountains out of mole hills

Hit the nail on the head



Bend over backwards

Jump on the Band Wagon

Run around in circles



Advise the President on how to run the country

Toot my own horn

Pull out all the stops

Add fuel to the fire



Open a can of worms

Put my foot in my mouth

Start the ball rolling

Go over the edge



Pick up the pieces.



Hug someone and encourage them.


Whew! What a workout!


Neat Quotes


I’ve said goodbye to so many people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize I'm going to miss mine by just a few days. (Garrison Keiller)

My uncle reads the obits every day.  He can't understand how people always die in alphabetical order.


Last Will and Testament:  Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.


Big deal!   I'm used to dust!  (Erma Bombeck's requested gravestone epitaph)


You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.



During Shabbat services the Rabbi kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."


The Cantor looks at him, thinks it couldn't hurt, and kneels, puts his forehead to the floor, and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."


Ben Shapiro in the fifth row is watching this and thinking that it was a pretty good idea, so he goes in the middle of the aisle, kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."

The Rabbi nudges the Cantor.  "Look who thinks he's nothing!"



You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.


I'm getting just like my great-grandchildren -- wearing diapers and using a walker.


The cardiologist's diet:  if it tastes good, spit it out. 


Doctor to patient:  I have good news and bad news:  the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.


My grandmother is 80 & doesn't need glasses: she drinks right out of a bottle.