Polly Wanna Be President?
Laura Bush bought her husband a parrot for his birthday,
and told Dick Cheney, "This bird is so smart! George already has taught him to mispronounce
over 200 words!"
"That's impressive, all right," Cheney
said. "But you do realize that he
just says those words,
right? He doesn't understand what they
does the parrot."
Some "Senior" personal ads allegedly seen in Florida newspapers:
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking,
sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried
fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises,
the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother
with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to
share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like
to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still
like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition,
some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running
condition, but walks well.
Bathroom & Bar Signs
Friends don't let
take home ugly men
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
Beauty is only a
light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC
If life is a waste
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC
Remember, it's not,
"How high are
it's "Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia
No matter how good
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her crap.
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC
At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
It's hard to make a
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ
Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT
If voting could
really change things,
it would be illegal.
New York, New York.
If pro is opposite
of con,then what is the
opposite of progress? Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ
You're too good for
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.
No wonder you
always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA
and lastly the ladies favorite
A Woman's Rule of
If it has tires or
you're going to have trouble with it.
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
In A Bangkok Temple: "It
Is Forbidden To Enter A Woman, Even A Foreigner, If Dressed As A Man."
Cocktail Lounge, Norway: "Ladies Are Requested Not To Have Children In The Bar."
At A Budapest Zoo: "Please Do Not Feed The Animals. If You
Have Any Suitable Food, Give To The Guard On Duty."
Doctors Office, Rome: "Specialist In Women And Other Diseases."
Dry Cleaners, Bangkok: "Drop Your Trousers Here For The Best Results."
In A Nairobi Restaurant: "Customers Who Find Our Waitresses Rude Ought To See The
On An Athi River Highway: "Take Notice: When This Sign Is Under Water, This Road Is Impassable."
On A Poster At Kencom: "Are You An Adult That Cannot Read? If So, We Can Help."
In A City Restaurant: "Open
Seven Days A Week And Weekends."
A Sign Seen On An Automatic Restroom Hand Dryer: "Do Not Activate With Wet Hands."
In A Cemetery:
"Persons Are Prohibited From Picking Flowers From Any But Their Own Graves."
Tokyo Hotel's Rules And Regulations: "Guests Are Requested Not To Smoke Or Do Other Disgusting Behaviours In Bed."
On The Menu Of A Swiss
Restaurant: "Our Wines Leave You
Nothing To Hope For."
Hotel, Yugoslavia: "The Flattening Of Underwear With Pleasure Is The Job Of The
Hotel, Japan: "You Are Invited To Take Advantage Of The Chambermaid."
In The Lobby Of A Moscow Hotel Across From A Russian
Orthodox Monastery-Cemetery: "You
Are Welcome To Visit The Cemetery Where Famous Russian And Soviet Composers,
Artists, And Writers Are Buried Daily Except Thursday."
A Sign Posted In Germany's Black Forest: "It Is Strictly Forbidden On Our Black Forest Camping Site That
People Of Different Sex, For Instance, Men And Women, Live Together In One Tent
Unless They Are Married With Each Other For This Purpose."
Hotel, Zurich: "Because Of The Impropriety Of Entertaining Guests Of The Opposite
Sex In The Bedroom, It Is Suggested That The Lobby Be Used For This
Advertisement For Donkey Rides, Thailand: "Would You Like To Ride On Your Own Ass?"
In The Window On A Swedish
Furrier: "Fur Coats Made For Ladies
From Their Own Skin."
The Box Of A Clockwork Toy Made In Hong Kong: "Guaranteed To Work Throughout Its Useful Life."
In A Swiss Mountain Inn: "Special Today - No Ice-Cream."
Airline Ticket Office, Copenhagen: "We Take Your Bags And Send Them In All Directions."
A Laundry In Rome: "Ladies, Leave Your Clothes Here And Spend The Afternoon Having A