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Daily Chuckle July 29, 2004


This week, a compendium of wit, wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties.  Enjoy!

 

Polly Wanna Be President

Polly Wanna Be President?

 

Laura Bush bought her husband a parrot for his birthday, and told Dick Cheney, "This bird is so smart!  George already has taught him to mispronounce over 200 words!"

 

"That's impressive, all right," Cheney said.  "But you do realize that he just says those  words, right?  He doesn't understand what they mean."

 

"So?  Neither does the parrot."

 

 

Some "Senior" personal ads allegedly seen in Florida newspapers:

 

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

 

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

 

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

 

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

 

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

 

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

 

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

 

Bathroom & Bar Signs

 

Friends don't let friends

take home ugly men

Women's restroom

Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

 

Beauty is only a light switch away.

Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

 

If life is a waste of time,

and time is a waste of life,

then let's all get wasted together

and have the time of our lives.

Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC

 

Remember, it's not,

"How high are you?"

it's "Hi, how are you?"

Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

 

No matter how good she looks,

some other guy is sick and tired

of putting up with her crap.

Men's Room

Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

 

At the feast of ego

everyone leaves hungry.

Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ

 

It's hard to make a comeback

when you haven't been anywhere.

Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ

 

Make love, not war.

-Hell, do both

GET MARRIED!

Women's restroom

The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

 

If voting could really change things,

it would be illegal.

Revolution Books

New York, New York.

 

If pro is opposite of con,then what is the opposite of progress?  Congress!

Men's restroom House of Representatives,

Washington, DC

 

Express Lane:

Five beers or less

Sign over one of the urinals

Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ

 

You're too good for him

Sign over mirror in Women's restroom

Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.

 

No wonder you always go home alone.

Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA

 

and lastly the ladies favorite  

 

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:

If it has tires or testicles,

you're going to have trouble with it.

Women's restroom

Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX

 

Foreign signs.  In English?

 

In A Bangkok Temple:  "It Is Forbidden To Enter A Woman, Even A Foreigner, If Dressed As A Man."

 

Cocktail Lounge, Norway: "Ladies Are Requested Not To Have Children In The Bar."

 

At A Budapest Zoo: "Please Do Not Feed The Animals. If You Have Any Suitable Food, Give To The Guard On Duty."

 

Doctors Office, Rome: "Specialist In Women And Other Diseases."

 

Dry Cleaners, Bangkok: "Drop Your Trousers Here For The Best Results."

 

In A Nairobi Restaurant: "Customers Who Find Our Waitresses Rude Ought To See The Manager."

 

On An Athi River Highway: "Take Notice: When This Sign Is Under Water, This Road Is Impassable."

 

On A Poster At Kencom: "Are You An Adult That Cannot Read? If So, We Can Help."

 

In A City Restaurant: "Open Seven Days A Week And Weekends."

 

A Sign Seen On An Automatic Restroom Hand Dryer: "Do Not Activate With Wet Hands."

 

In A Cemetery: "Persons Are Prohibited From Picking Flowers From Any But Their Own Graves."

 

Tokyo Hotel's Rules And Regulations: "Guests Are Requested Not To Smoke Or Do Other Disgusting Behaviours In Bed."

 

On The Menu Of A Swiss Restaurant: "Our Wines Leave You Nothing To Hope For."

 

Hotel, Yugoslavia: "The Flattening Of Underwear With Pleasure Is The Job Of The Chambermaid."

 

Hotel, Japan: "You Are Invited To Take Advantage Of The Chambermaid."

 

In The Lobby Of A Moscow Hotel Across From A Russian Orthodox Monastery-Cemetery: "You Are Welcome To Visit The Cemetery Where Famous Russian And Soviet Composers, Artists, And Writers Are Buried Daily Except Thursday."

 

A Sign Posted In Germany's Black Forest: "It Is Strictly Forbidden On Our Black Forest Camping Site That People Of Different Sex, For Instance, Men And Women, Live Together In One Tent Unless They Are Married With Each Other For This Purpose."

 

Hotel, Zurich: "Because Of The Impropriety Of Entertaining Guests Of The Opposite Sex In The Bedroom, It Is Suggested That The Lobby Be Used For This Purpose."

 

Advertisement For Donkey Rides, Thailand: "Would You Like To Ride On Your Own Ass?"

 

In The Window On A Swedish Furrier: "Fur Coats Made For Ladies From Their Own Skin."

 

The Box Of A Clockwork Toy Made In Hong Kong: "Guaranteed To Work Throughout Its Useful Life."

 

In A Swiss Mountain Inn: "Special Today - No Ice-Cream."

 

Airline Ticket Office, Copenhagen: "We Take Your Bags And Send Them In All Directions."

 

A Laundry In Rome: "Ladies, Leave Your Clothes Here And Spend The Afternoon Having A Good Time."