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Daily Chuckle July 22, 2004


This week, a compendium of wit, wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties.  Enjoy!

 

LABELS

LABELS

 

American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause preg-nancy.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.

 

VARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohal may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.

 

Understanding Men . . . It’s Not So Complicated

 

The nice men are ugly.

 

The handsome men are not nice.

 

The handsome and nice men are gay.

 

The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

 

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

 

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money, think we are only after their money.

 

The handsome men without money are after our money.

 

The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are pigs.

 

The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and, thank God, are heterosexual, are shy and never make the first move.

 

The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

 

Now, who in the world understands men?

 

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

 

So sayeth the Women.

• • • • •

 

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was     dying. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to      make her last journey comfortable.

 

They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused.

 

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she     opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

 

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

 

"Mother," the nuns asked in earnest, "please give us some words of wisdom before you die."

 

She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't sell that cow."

• • • • •

There was this fellow from Eastern Kentucky who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back.   He asked the fellow what the problem was.

 

The man replied, "I have a flat tarr."

 

In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

 

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back!  I never did understand it neither."

• • • • •

Q: Why are the Japanese so smart?

 

A: No blondes.

• • • • •

A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun. They just don't remember with whom.

• • • • •

A three-year-old boy was taking a bath. He was looking closely at his private parts and asked, "Mommy, are these my brains?" His mother answered, "Not yet, honey."

• • • • •

Two guys are in a supermarket when their carts collide. Bob says, "I'm sorry, I was looking for my wife." "What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate," says Joe. "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" asks Bob. Joe replies, "She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm breasts and a magnificent backside. What does your wife look like?" "Never mind," says Bob, "let's look for yours!"

• • • • •

The seven-year-old told her mother that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor. "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?" "Nothing," said the little girl, "he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

• • • • •

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new, or the wife is.

• • • • •

The police department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!"

• • • • •

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"

• • • • •

An elderly man and woman were talking, and the man said, "Hey I just bought a new hearing aid the other day-the best hearing aid I've ever had. The thing cost over $4,000." "Great! What kind is it?" the woman asked. "About 12:30," said the man.