This week, a compendium of wit,
wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties. Enjoy!
liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to
your bra and panties.
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over
again that you love them.
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really
dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with
members of the opposite sex without spitting.
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
The consumption of alcohol may cause preg-nancy.
The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.
the crumsumpten of alcohal
may Mack you tink you kantpye
Understanding Men . .
. Its Not So Complicated
men are ugly.
handsome men are not nice.
and nice men are gay.
handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money, think we are only after
handsome men without money are after our money.
handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are
who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have
money, are pigs.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some
money and, thank God, are heterosexual, are shy and never make the first move.
The men who never make the first move, automatically lose
interest in us when we take the initiative.
in the world understands men?
like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on
them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to
have dinner with.
So sayeth the Women.
98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland wasdying. The nuns gathered around her bed,
trying tomake her last journey
gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused.
the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish
whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, sheopened and poured a generous amount into
the warm milk.
Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little,
then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down
to the last drop.
the nuns asked in earnest, "please give us some
words of wisdom before you die."
raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't sell that cow."
was this fellow from Eastern Kentucky who had a flat tire. He pulled
off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside
and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of the
flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to
passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around
and went back.He asked the fellow what
the problem was.
replied, "I have a flat tarr."
response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front
and flares in the back!I never did
understand it neither."
are the Japanese so smart?
government study has shown that blondes do have more fun. They just don't
remember with whom.
three-year-old boy was taking a bath. He was looking closely at his private
parts and asked, "Mommy, are these my brains?" His mother answered,
"Not yet, honey."
are in a supermarket when their carts collide. Bob says, "I'm sorry, I was
looking for my wife." "What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a
little desperate," says Joe. "Well, maybe I can help you. What does
your wife look like?" asks Bob. Joe replies, "She's tall, with long
hair, long legs, firm breasts and a magnificent backside. What does your wife
look like?" "Never mind," says Bob, "let's look for
seven-year-old told her mother that a little boy in her class asked her to play
doctor. "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened,
honey?" "Nothing," said the little girl, "he made me wait
45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."
man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
either the car is new, or the wife is.
police department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback
by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find
her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels,
and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene. As the K-9 officer
approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,
clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all
my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They
send a blind policeman!"
boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my
dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied,
"Beer and women!"
elderly man and woman were talking, and the man said, "Hey I just bought a
new hearing aid the other day-the best hearing aid I've ever had. The thing
cost over $4,000." "Great! What kind is it?" the woman asked.
"About ," said the man.