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Daily Chuckle July 15, 2004


This week, a compendium of wit, wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties.  Enjoy!

 

Bumper Snickers

Bumper Snickers

 

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

 

Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

 

5 days a week my body is a temple.  The other two, it's an amusement park.

 

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her… or something like that.

 

Stop repeat offenders.  Don't re-elect them!

 

Dyslexics have more fnu.

Clones are people two.

 

F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!

 

Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

 

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

 

Eschew obfuscation.

 

186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW.

 

A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.

 

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

 

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!

 

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

 

Editing is a rewording activity.

 

Gene Police: YOU! Out of the pool!

 

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.  

 

Rap is to music what "Etch-a-Sketch" is to art.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

 

ENERGY BUNNY ARRESTED!  CHARGED WITH BATTERY!

 

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

 

All men are idiots ... I married their king.

 

Help wanted: telepath. You know where to apply

 

Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an jerk.

 

I love cats ... they taste just like chicken

 

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

 

Jesus saves, passes to Moses; shoots, SCORES!

 

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

 

Lord save me from your followers.

 

Forget about World Peace . . . Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

 

• • • • •

 

During Shabbat services the Rabbi kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."

 

The Cantor looks at him, thinks it couldn't hurt, and kneels, puts his forehead to the floor, and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."

 

Ben Shapiro in the fifth row is watching this and thinking that it was a pretty good idea, so he goes in the middle of the aisle, kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."

 

The Rabbi nudges the Cantor.  "Look who thinks he's nothing!"

 

• • • • •

 

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Of course, so does falling down a flight of stairs.

 

Never underestimate your ability to overestimate your ability.

 

Laughter is the best medicine, but in certain situations the Heimlich maneuver may be more appropriate.

 

It takes a village to raise a child to hate all of the people in the

next village.

 

The key to someone's heart is never lost: It's just that the locks

were changed 'cause you're some sort of psycho.

 

You have to learn to crawl before you can grovel.

 

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you're probably the executioner.

 

You've got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince or princess. But he or she probably isn't going to be interested in some frog-kisser.

 

True beauty is on the inside, where no one will ever see it.

 

One person can make a difference, if that person is, like, Bill

Gates or whatzisname, the speaker of the House of Representatives.

 

Aspire to greatness. But remember that no one ever assassinated a refrigerator repairman.

A high tide lifts all boats, except those with a big gaping hole in

the bottom.

 

You can run but you can't hide, except apparently along the Afghan-Pakistani border.

 

Say not that honor is the child of boldness, nor believe that the hazard of life alone can pay the price of it; it is not the action that is due, but to the manner of performing it. You got all that? Me neither.

 

You can do anything if you want it bad enough. That is why we see so many people who can fly.

 

Every failure is a step to success up a ladder that will eventually collapse under the weight of all those failures.

 

From a Friend in the Midwest:

 

Subject:    Nebraska Survivor

 

Due to the popularity of the Survivor TV shows, Nebraska is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor-Nebraska Style."

 

The contestants will start in Omaha, travel up to South Sioux City and on to Norfolk and Columbus. Then they will head over to Grand Island and up to Kearney and Ogallala. From there they will proceed up to Scottsbluff and Valentine. Then back down through North Platte, McCook and all the way over to Lincoln and back up to Omaha.

 

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with California license plates and bumper stickers that reads: "I'm gay. I'm a vegetarian.  Steak clogs your arteries. The Huskers suck. Hillary in 2004. Deer Hunting is murder and I'm here to confiscate your guns!"

 

The first one who makes it back to Omaha alive, wins. Good luck to all contestants!