representation isn't so hot, either!
Who were the beta
testers for Preparations A through G?
5 days a week my
body is a temple. The other two, it's an
My wife keeps
complaining I never listen to her
or something like that.
offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Dyslexics have more
Clones are people
F U CN RD THS U CNT
SPL WRTH A DM!
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Santa's elves are
just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Not just a good idea, it's the LAW.
A mouse is an
elephant built by the Japanese.
A waist is a terrible
thing to mind.
Atheism is a
professors never die, they just smell that way!
Does the name
Pavlov ring a bell?
Editing is a
Gene Police: YOU!
Out of the pool!
I used to be indecisive;
now I'm not sure.
Rap is to music
what "Etch-a-Sketch" is to art.
What if there were
no hypothetical questions?
ARRESTED! CHARGED WITH BATTERY!
No sense being
pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
All men are idiots
... I married their king.
telepath. You know where to apply
Jesus loves you...
everyone else thinks you're an jerk.
I love cats ...
they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five
Jesus saves, passes
to Moses; shoots, SCORES!
Laugh alone and the
world thinks you're an idiot.
Lord save me from your followers.
Forget about World
Peace . . . Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
During Shabbat services the Rabbi kneels and puts his
forehead to the floor and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."
The Cantor looks at him, thinks it couldn't hurt, and
kneels, puts his forehead to the floor, and says, "Before you oh Lord, I
Ben Shapiro in the fifth row is watching this and
thinking that it was a pretty good idea, so he goes in the middle of the aisle,
kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you oh Lord, I
The Rabbi nudges the Cantor. "Look who thinks he's nothing!"
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
Of course, so does falling down a flight of stairs.
Never underestimate your ability to overestimate your
Laughter is the best medicine, but in certain situations
the Heimlich maneuver may be more appropriate.
It takes a village to raise a child to hate all of the
people in the
The key to someone's heart is never lost: It's just that
were changed 'cause you're some sort
You have to learn to crawl before you can grovel.
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
theirs, you're probably the executioner.
You've got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the
prince or princess. But he or she probably isn't going to be interested in some
True beauty is on the inside, where no one will ever see
One person can make a difference, if that person is,
Gates or whatzisname,
the speaker of the House of Representatives.
Aspire to greatness. But remember that no one ever
assassinated a refrigerator repairman.
A high tide lifts all boats, except those with a big
gaping hole in
You can run but you can't hide, except apparently along
the Afghan-Pakistani border.
Say not that honor is the child of
boldness, nor believe that the hazard of life alone can pay the price of
it; it is not the action that is due, but to the manner of performing it. You
got all that? Me neither.
You can do anything if you want it bad enough. That is
why we see so many people who can fly.
Every failure is a step to success up a ladder that will
eventually collapse under the weight of all those failures.
From a Friend in the Midwest:
Subject: Nebraska Survivor
Due to the popularity of the Survivor TV shows, Nebraska is planning to do its own,
entitled "Survivor-Nebraska Style."
The contestants will start in Omaha, travel up to South Sioux City and on to Norfolk and Columbus. Then they will head over to Grand Island and up to Kearney and Ogallala. From there they will
proceed up to Scottsbluff and Valentine. Then back down through North Platte, McCook and all the way over to Lincoln and back up to Omaha.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with California license plates and bumper
stickers that reads: "I'm gay. I'm a vegetarian. Steak clogs your arteries. The Huskers suck. Hillary in 2004. Deer Hunting is murder and I'm here to
confiscate your guns!"
The first one who makes it back
to Omaha alive, wins. Good luck to all