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Daily Chuckle July 8, 2004


This week, a compendium of wit, wisdom and neat stuff
you can tell at parties.  Enjoy!

 

SAT Tests

SAT Tests

 

The following questions and answers were collated from the SAT tests given to 16-year-old students! Don't laugh too hard -- one of them could become president one day! You have to admit some are very creative.

 

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

 

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

 

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

 

Q: What is a planet?

A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

 

Q: What causes the tides in the ocean?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow toward the moon because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

 

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

 

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets on the stairs.

 

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

 

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to adultery.

 

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

 

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).

A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

 

Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.

 

Q: What does "varicose" mean?

A: Nearby.

 

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?

A: Most people prevent contraption by wearing a condominium.

 

Q. Give the meaning of the term "caesarian section"

A. The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

 

Q: What is a seizure?

A: A Roman Emperor.

 

Q: What is a terminal illness?

A: When you are sick at the airport.

 

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places, so they look like umbrellas.

 

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

 

Q: What is a turbine?

A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

 

And just think, one day our Social Security payments will depend on these kids!

 

Stop and think about "UP"

 

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word, and that word is "UP."

 

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

 

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

 

We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

 

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

 

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

 

And this UP is confusing:

 

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

 

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

 

To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, takes UP almost Ό of a page and definitions add UP to about thirty.

 

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

 

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

 

When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

 

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so . . .

 

I'll shut UP.

 

For the Republicans . .

 

The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry.  You can understand why -- with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." -Jay Leno

 

"We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election really offers us a choice of two well-informed opposing positions on every issue.

 

OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they're still there." -Jay Leno

 

"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder.  He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." -Craig Kilborn

 

"President Bush listed his income as $822,000.  You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000?  Not even worth dating." -Jay Leno

 

"Well, the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry.  The bad news, the majority still thinks he's the dad from The Munsters." -Jay Leno

 

"John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich.  You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them." -Jay Leno

 

"They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period.  Actually, that's nothing.  He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'" -Jay Leno

 

"Today, John Kerry announced a foolproof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit.  John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card." -Craig Kilborn

• • • • •

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Jew, a midget and a talking dog walk into a bar. 

 

The bartender takes one look and says, "What is this, a JOKE?"

• • • • •

CAIRO, June 30 (Reuters) - Three crumbling stone tablets found near a remote Egyptian oasis may settle at last a centuries-old row over the final resting place of the ancient warrior-king Alexander the Great, archaeologists said on Tuesday.

 

Alexander was able to synchronise his army during an attack.  They think the way he achieved this is through the use of a cloth that was wrapped around a warrior's arm. Different warriors had different colored cloths.  You probably remember the cloth as Alexander's Ragtime Band.

During Shabbat services the Rabbi kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."

 

The Cantor looks at him, thinks it couldn't hurt, and kneels, puts his forehead to the floor, and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."

 

Ben Shapiro in the fifth row is watching this and thinking that it was a pretty good idea, so he goes in the middle of the aisle, kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."

 

The Rabbi nudges the Cantor.  "Look who thinks he's nothing!"

 

Bumper Snickers

 

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

 

Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

 

5 days a week my body is a temple.  The other two, it's an amusement park.

 

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her… or something like that.

 

Stop repeat offenders.  Don't re-elect them!

 

Dyslexics have more fnu.

 

Clones are people two.

 

F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!

 

Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

 

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

 

Eschew obfuscation.

 

186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW.

 

A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese..

 

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

 

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!

 

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

 

Editing is a rewording activity.

 

Gene Police: YOU! Out of the pool!

 

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.  

 

Rap is to music what "Etch-a-Sketch" is to art.

 

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

 

ENERGY BUNNY ARRESTED!  CHARGED WITH BATTERY!

 

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

 

All men are idiots ... I married their king.

 

Help wanted: telepath. You know where to apply

 

Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an jerk.

 

I love cats ... they taste just like chicken

 

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

 

Jesus saves, passes to Moses; shoots, SCORES!

 

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

 

Lord save me from your followers.

 

Forget about World Peace . . . Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

   

•••••