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Daily Chuckle June 17, 2004


This week, a compendium of wit, wisdom and neat stuff you can tell at parties.  Enjoy!


Late Breaking Groaners

Late Breaking Groaners

 

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

 

2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

 

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a  banana.

 

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

 

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts.   In feudalism it's your count  that votes.

 

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 

8. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

 

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

 

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll  show you A-flat  minor.

 

11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

 

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

 

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum  Blownapart.

 

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

 

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

 

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

 

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

 

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

 

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

 

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

 

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

 

22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at  large.

 

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

 

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

 

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

 

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

 

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

 

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

 

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

 

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat

 

Time to Pick on Tennessee

 

A guy from Tennessee passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

• • • • •

How do you know when you're staying in a Tennessee hotel?

• • • • •

When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."

• • • • •

How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married?

• • • • •

There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

• • • • •

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?

• • • • •

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

• • • • •

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Tennessee?

 

Documentaries.

• • • • •

 

Where was the toothbrush invented?

 

Tennessee. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.

• • • • •

A Tennessee State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64 and says

to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies, "Bout wut?"

• • • • •

Did you hear about the $3 million Tennessee State Lottery?

 

The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

• • • • •

A new law was recently passed in Tennessee.

 

When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

 

The Hormone Hostage

 

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own  hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a drivers license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other:

 

 DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

 

 SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

 

 SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

 

 ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

• • • • •

 DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?!

 

 SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.

 

 SAFEST: WOW!! Look at you!

 

 ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

• • • • •

 DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?!

 

 SAFER: Could we be overreacting?

 

 SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars

 

 ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

 DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?!

 

 SAFER: You know, there are plenty of apples left.

 

 SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

 

 ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

• • • • •

 DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?

 

 SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.

 

 SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!

 

 ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

• • • • •

And remember: Money talks ... but chocolate sings!

• • • • •

 

A letter written by a young marine to his parents while the marine was at boot camp.  I think the youngster was from Alabama or Arkansas

 

MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT.

 

Dear Ma and Pa:

 

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6am, but am getting so I like to sleep late.

 

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.

 

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.  If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.

 

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

 

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why the bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

 

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

 

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

 

Your loving daughter, Gail.

 

• • • • •

 

THE OIL SHORTAGE

 

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.

 

Well, there's a very simple answer.

 

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

 

We just didn't know we were getting low.

 

The reason for that is purely geographical.

 

Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma, and Texas.

 

Our DIPSTICKS  are located in Washington DC

 

• • • • •

 

OCCUPATIONAL HYMNS

 

The Dentist's Hymn. . . .Crown Him With Many Crowns

 

The Weatherman's Hymn

There Shall Be Showers of Blessing

 

The Contractor's Hymn

The Church's One Foundation

 

The Tailor's  Hymn

Holy, Holy, Holy

 

The Golfer's Hymn

There is A Green Hill Far Away

 

The Politician's  Hymn

Standing on the Promises

 

The Optometrist's Hymn

Open My Eyes That I Might See

 

The IRS Agent's Hymn

I Surrender All

 

The Gossip's Hymn

Pass It On

 

The Electrician's Hymn

Send the Light

 

The Shopper's Hymn

Sweet By and By

 

The Realtor's Hymn

I've Got A Mansion Just Over the Hilltop

 

The Pilot's Hymn

I'll Fly Away

 

The Paramedic's Hymn

Revive Us Again

 

The Judge's Hymn

Almost Persuaded

 

The Psychiatrist's Hymn

Just a Little Talk With Jesus

 

The Architect's Hymn

How Firm A Foundation

 

The Credit Card Telemarketer's Hymn

A Charge To Keep I Have

 

The Zookeeper's Hymn

All Creatures of Our God & King

 

The Postal Worker's Hymn

So Send I You

 

The Waiter's Hymn

Fill My Cup, Lord

 

The Gardener's Hymn

Lo, How A Rose E'er Blooming

 

The Lifeguard's Hymn

Rescue the Perishing

 

The Criminal's Hymn’

Search Me, O God

 

The Baker's Hymn

When the Roll Is Called Up Yonder

 

The Shoe Repairer's Hymn

It Is Well With My Soul

The Travel Agent's Hymn.

Anywhere With Jesus

 

The Geologist's Hymn

Rock of Ages

 

The Hematologist's Hymn

Are You Washed in the Blood?

 

The Mens' Wear Clerk's Hymn

Blest Be the Tie

 

The Umpire's Hymn

I Need No Other Argument

 

The Librarian's Hymn

Whispering Hope




 

 

 

 

 

 

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