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Daily Chuckle June 03, 2004

Who gets the last laugh?

Last Child Support Check

Today is my daughter's 18th birthday . . .

I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment.

Month after month, year after year, those payments!

I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your momma's house; you tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me, then I want you to come back here and tell me the expression she had on her face."

So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was so anxious to hear what the witch had to say and what she looked like. As my baby girl walked though the door, I said, "Well now . . . what did your momma have to say?"

"She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy."

President Bush and
The Pope

The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C. and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac sailing on the Presidential yacht, the Sequoia. They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.

Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but President Bush waves them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."

Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning the headlines in New York Times, Washington Post, Boston Globe, Milwaukee Sentinel-Journal, Minneapolis Tribune, Denver Post, Albuquerque Journal, Los Angeles Times and the San Francisco Chronicle proclaim in bold headlines:

"Bush Canít Swim"

Psyched Up

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic
depression. The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"

An Innocent Question

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

The Recipe

The investigation of Martha Stewart continues.

Her newest recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.

Learning

Gotta love little boys . . . to all my friends who have sons . . and those who don't . . . it seems that two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight", the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him. He's my little brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one.

Reflections of Great Minds on Government

1) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain

2) I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. - Winston Churchill
3) A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

4) A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money
G. Gordon Liddy

5) Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

6) Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries
Douglas Casey,
Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

7) Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

8) Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

9) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it
Ronald Reagan (1986)
10) I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Will Rogers

11) If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free
P.J. O'Rourke

12) If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal. If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative. If you want government to intervene everywhere, you're a moderate. If you don't want government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist.
Joseph Sobran, Former Editor
of the National Review (1995)

13) In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
Voltaire (1764)

14) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.
Pericles (430 B.C.)

15) No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
Mark Twain (1866)

16) Talk is cheap ... except when Congress does it.
Unknown

17) The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
Ronald Reagan

18) The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
Winston Churchill

19) The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
Mark Twain

20) The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
Herbert Spencer,
English Philosopher (1820-1903)

21) There is no distinctly native American criminal class. . . save Congress.
Mark Twain

22) What this country needs are more unemployed
politicians.
Edward Langley,
Artist (1928 - 1995)

23) A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
Thomas Jefferson,
Famous Revolutionary

An Old Militantís Thoughts

If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, DC. But, I'm well over 70 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.

You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to pee.

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me ... er ... one."

And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

Share this with your senior friends I say:
Old women wouldn't be having sex with their fellow soldiers in front of a camera for certain,- & all sexually based torture methods would remain undercover + within our own forces. Women in the service might be thought of as just that, + not as "a service". Getting lucky would be staying alive-, & not getting lucky might keep more male soldiers among the living!




 

 

 

 

 

 

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